First of all let me take a minute to sincerely thank each and every person that has been so thoughtful and kept Steven and I in prayer the last three years! Unfortunately our journey is not over yet. I got the call today that the test was negative and I am not pregnant. I am better than most would presume since I already knew the result four days ago. I know my body and I also know what pregnancy and miscarriage feel like, and unfortunately I knew the result without having to have it confirmed. I'm also still kinda numb at this point.
I also have more faith and hope now than I EVER HAVE! Funny as it may sound, what else am I going to do? Although jumping off a bridge has crossed my mind (mostly hormone induced rage), that clearly isn't the option I'm going with! I'm choosing to look at this from Heaven down and not from my horrible circumstances up. If nothing is impossible with God, then that includes my fertility status.
I AM NOT GIVING UP! I REPEAT, I AM NOT GIVING UP! This is not the end, it's a new beginning.
That being said...This is very hard. Those sweet embryos were babies. I am grieving their passing. Had those eggs been fertilized inside my womb they would have been a miscarriage. I know from experience that it is less hard this way, but I feel the loss of all four of them all the same. I don't have a guide book to help me understand this, or keep me from feeling crazy that I am grieving this loss so much. I am truly just...sad. I fell in love with them from the minute I knew they were alive and thriving.
The loss is hard on me, but I would rather take it 50 times over, than to have to tell Steven this news. I had the advantage and disadvantage of knowing my body and what was happening. He is okay and dealing well, but grieving just the same.
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
Ecclesiastes 11:5
I do not claim to understand why this is happening to me. I am over even trying to figure out God, or His intentions! I do understand that He is the maker of all things and he knows, and more importantly, He wants good things for me! I take encouragement in this thought. He is my sole source of strength and my circumstances don't change His sovereignty one bit.
We need a lot of prayer right now. Even more than we did before. The raging hormones and endless medications have come to an end, and reality is setting in! I don't know where we go from here. I can't even think about it yet. To be sure, I'll post it when I figure it out!
Until then...
I love you my sweet babies! All 5 of you! I'm going to be busy when I get to Heaven! I often wonder if they will know me?!
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| It's not goodbye, it's see ya later mommy & daddy! |
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| So much hopeful anticipation every time =( |
He knows my name. He knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls, and hears me when I call.
