Monday, November 21, 2011

He's got the whole world in His hands...

Wowzers! I've been so busy lately I haven't had a free second to blog! Not only that but, I haven't had much to say! Hard to believe I know but true!
This is the update that I have for ya...
GUESS WHAT I GOT TODAY?! SHOCKING I KNOW... BUT SHE'S BACCCCCCCCKKKK! This marks the end of my 3 month trial on clomid. 3 long months of hoping this would be my miracle answer! Well clearly it wasn't! I'm not sure where to go from here. The doctor is suggesting IUI. Intrauterine insemination. This is cheaper and less invasive (although I'm not sure how much more invasive them turkey baste-in my va jj can get)!
**Enter problem here: Steven has a little different perspective on this than I do (imagine that). He says that if my body has really only been ovulating and "normal" for six months now, then that means we have only been trying for six months, right? He says and I quote "you are going to kill me for saying this but I don't think you Are being patient enough".



Enter flood of tears and barrage of cuss words. Has he lost his ever lovin mind? It has been 17 months of hell that I have "been patient". While I have seen 19 friends try to conceive, get pregnant, and have the babies in the last YEAR, I have remodeled our entire house, learned to wood work by designing and refinishing our entire dining room set, taught myself to sew, enrolled in school full time (for a degree I don't even really need), picked up hunting as a sport, learned to work with felt, started a blog, helped paint my entire house, made my own curtains, planned a wedding, a shower and a bachelorette party, and worked full time ...amongst many other dumb things to keep myself busy. I'm bout to in role in TY KWAN DO, SO I CAN KICK HIS MONKEY *** for saying something as stupid as that.  10 baby showers, countless amounts of hours making gifts and a lot of money spent buying them...I need to BE MORE PATIENT? I'm 34 years old...being patient is no longer a luxury I can afford! As you can probably imagine, this went over like a toot in church! I don't believe that I'm as disappointed that he is unsure of me having the IUI right now, but worse, that he thinks I haven't been patient enough! While understand his point, I don't appreciate it much. It reiterates to me how very lonely this journey really is. Nobody that hasn't been here, really understands. Plain and simple. That doesn't mean that others can't still offer words of encouragement, and that my friends and families opinions don't matter, but personally walking this worst nightmare! And to think I'm not even on the same page as my husband, is freaking devastating.
I don't slow down. I can't slow down. If I slow down I'm scared this whole thing will catch up to me. There has to be a crack in this facade sooner or later. I'm hoping that I will end up knocked up before it rears it's ugly little head!
I hate this!

So I asked my mom, my dad and anybody else that I thought had a brain, what to do...and I got Nuttin! ZIP, ZERO, ZILCH! I didn't start out with any answers to this, and I still don't know what the answer is.


I just happen to know who does have all of the answers. He is right, He is just, He is fair. He knows my name, my desires, even all of the 1 trillion hairs on my head (minus the ones I had lasered right on off)! And more importantly HE CARES! He is walking me through this. While I am disappointed that even the man that I love most in the world, doesn't understand, God still does. WOW! What a humbling thought. Maybe I needed to get to this point. Maybe I needed to not have any other answer in the world. Maybe He's screaming for my attention!!!
He says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

My way of doing this is by praying and sharing my pain with God.
This has been and continues to be my humble request~

Gracious God,
I long for a child and find my heart void of hope as month after month I go childless.
The love that I have and the desire you put in me is overwhelming, but that love seems thwarted every month that this longing is not filled.
Look with tenderness upon me, my father. Let the disappointment that hangs over me be lifted by the joy of your touch.
Let me feel your warm embrace and become envoloped in YOUR plan for my life.
Give me patience that will help re-build my hope.
Give me peace that passes all understanding.
Prepare me for the highest call I will ever receive, the call to be "mommy".
I know that You have the whole world in your hands...and that includes my precious baby Elliott!
Hi baby Elliott! Gosh I hope you have hair!

Now how about loosening up that grip there, ol buddy ol pal!?

Thanks dude,


My next doctors appointment is December 1st to "re-evaluate" my fertility status. Steven's next doctors appointment will be soon if he doesn't stop acting a fool!

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Give thanks for all things, but give extra thanks for your babies! They aren't always easy to come by!