Friday, March 16, 2012

My little nugget

Well,  most of you know that I am no longer with child.  For those of you that don't know, I lost my sweet little nugget yesterday. Just so you know, it was a boy! Of course I didn't have proof of that but I know in my heart that it was! As gross as it may sound, I actually caught it and held it for a sweet minute. At the time I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but looking back that was incredibly bitter-sweet. As devastated as Steven and I are right now, and as much as I totally DO NOT understand really doesn't matter why. I still fall on my face and thank God for the 1 week that I did have, and I try to image that precious little "shrimp" (as Steven called it), sitting on the lap of my father.
I have no idea why. I'm trying not to ask, although the thought is inevitable. I refuse to let this make me bitter and scared. I absolutely could not stomach the thought of flushing it, so I went and bought a box, decorated it (clearly!) and sent my lil nugget out in style! I am posting some pics for those that are interested. I know that some may judge me for being so open with this, but I don't know how else to be! I began this journey very publicly and I feel like I should share triumph, and tragedy. I know that most of you will appreciate this, especially those of you that have been through it. For those that don't me, everybody deals with this differently. My way was to give my baby a proper burial and put this whole thing to rest (literally and figuratively).
While Steven and I are still mourning the loss of a dream we struggled so hard for, we are not dismayed. We are not shaken, nor does this effect my belief in Christ Jesus one bit. I am not angry. He did not do this to me. I have to believe that maybe in His infinite wisdom, He saved me from making a hard decision later in this pregnancy or later in life. He is all-knowing and I am not. I THANK God that He knows better than I do and He knew that this baby wasn't right for me here on earth! What a precious thought...than my child is in Heaven sitting on papa God's lap, CHILLIN! Probably with a Coke since I feel like he was already addicted! So chillin with God, drinking Heavenly Coke?! That's my idea of a good time!

I cannot express enough how thankful I am for the million phone calls, texts and messages that we have gotten over the past week! My heart is so filled with gratitude for my family and my awesome friends that I am overwhelmed. I appreciate each and every one of you. Having such an awesome, praying support group is invaluable at a time like this! Continue to pray for Steven and I as we move forward in this process and begin trying for our second angel in a few weeks!
No matter what you are going through and how bad your life may seem, there is a daddy for you to go to. Crawl in His lap and give your cares to Him. He loves us more than we will ever know! He has given me peace that passes all understanding and joy even in my sorrow!

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. Psalms 26:5


baby e went out bedazzled!

one gift from mommy

and one from daddy! 

RIP sweet nugget!