Monday, November 26, 2012

Fear ends where Faith begins...

I'm writing this to share the news because it's easier than answering so many individual questions!

First of all let me take a minute to sincerely thank each and every person that has been so thoughtful and kept Steven and I in prayer the last three years! Unfortunately our journey is not over yet. I got the call today that the test was negative and I am not pregnant. I am better than most would presume since I already knew the result four days ago. I know my body and I also know what pregnancy and miscarriage feel like, and unfortunately I knew the result without having to have it confirmed. I'm also still kinda numb at this point.

I also have more faith and hope now than I EVER HAVE! Funny as it may sound, what else am I going to do? Although jumping off a bridge has crossed my mind (mostly hormone induced rage), that clearly isn't the option I'm going with! I'm choosing to look at this from Heaven down and not from my horrible circumstances up. If nothing is impossible with God, then that includes my fertility status.

I AM NOT GIVING UP! I REPEAT, I AM NOT GIVING UP! This is not the end, it's a new beginning.

That being said...This is very hard. Those sweet embryos were babies. I am grieving their passing. Had those eggs been fertilized inside my womb they would have been a miscarriage. I know from experience that it is less hard this way, but I feel the loss of all four of them all the same. I don't have a guide book to help me understand this, or keep me from feeling crazy that I am grieving this loss so much. I am truly just...sad. I fell in love with them from the minute I knew they were alive and thriving.

The loss is hard on me, but I would rather take it 50 times over, than to have to tell Steven this news. I had the advantage and disadvantage of knowing my body and what was happening. He is okay and dealing well, but grieving just the same.

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. 
Ecclesiastes 11:5

I do not claim to understand why this is happening to me. I am over even trying to figure out God, or His intentions! I do understand that He is the maker of all things and he knows, and more importantly, He wants good things for me! I take encouragement in this thought. He is my sole source of strength and my circumstances don't change His sovereignty one bit. 

We need a lot of prayer right now. Even more than we did before. The raging hormones and endless medications have come to an end, and reality is setting in! I don't know where we go from here. I can't even think about it yet. To be sure, I'll post it when I figure it out! 

Until then...

I love you my sweet babies! All 5 of you! I'm going to be busy when I get to Heaven! I often wonder if they will know me?!

It's not goodbye, it's see ya later mommy & daddy!
So much hopeful anticipation every time =(

One in three women who walk away from months of shots and raging hormones, from egg retrievals and implantations, from thousands of dollars in generally uninsured medical procedures with a pregnancy.

Read more:
One in three women who walk away from months of shots and raging hormones, from egg retrievals and implantations, from thousands of dollars in generally uninsured medical procedures with a pregnancy.

Read more:
One in three women who walk away from months of shots and raging hormones, from egg retrievals and implantations, from thousands of dollars in generally uninsured medical procedures with a pregnancy.

Read more:
He knows my name. He knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls, and hears me when I call.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."

Hello all! I just though I would send out an update! Thank you all for the sweet messages of concern and prayer. Please keep them coming as they are very needed these next few weeks especially! 

I started my Lupron shots on the 26th and other than the actual medicine stinging like crazy and a few crying spells, and an allergic reaction on my arms, I haven't noticed any side effects (lol, I love to be complicated).  I will do my best to explain what the meds do since I have people ask me constantly. Lupron in a nutshell causes a "flare effect". The flare effect of Lupron can be used at the beginning of a fresh IVF cycle to help stimulate the development and maturation of eggs. Lupron is given for a few days and then injectable fertility medications are started.  It essentially acts by suppressing the pituitary gland (the gland which is normally responsible for triggering ovulation). However, before suppression occurs, Lupron will briefly stimulate the pituitary causing an increase in the pituitary hormones LH (luteinizing hormone) and FSH (follicle stimulating hormone).

Two days later I started Gonal F injections. Gonal FSH increases the number of growing follicles and stimulates their development. Within the follicles are the developing eggs. FSH also increases the production of oestrogen, and under the influence of this hormone, the largest follicle continues to develop. This medicine is used to stimulate the development of follicles and eggs in women who are having difficulties getting pregnant due to problems with ovulation. 

So the side effects of both of these are:

  • Pain, bruising and inflammation at the injection site in men and women.
  • Headache in women.
  • Ovarian cysts
  • Mild to moderate over-stimulation of the ovaries (ovarian hyper stimulation), causing the production of many eggs.
  • Disturbances of the gut, such as nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea, abdominal cramps and bloating in women.
  • Breast enlargement, weight gain, acne and swelling of the veins in the scrotum in men.
I am experiencing every one of them except the scrotal swelling which if Steven doesn't play his cards right...he may experience! (lololol! crack myself up again).

I have this entire week off which is a God send because I am going to need a lot of sleep I do believe. 

Please pray for me this week. As if the hormones are not atrocious enough, this would have been my week to deliver nugget #1! November 6 would have been my first babies due date (at least by my calculations) and anybody that has ever had a miscarriage knows, a mommy never forgets that date. I cannot dwell on the past, however I do feel like that baby deserves some remembrance and I won't ever stop thinking about it! It was my only "first child"! Hopefully I'll be adding a sister or brother to the mix here shortly! 

Enough about that (sniff, sniff)...I go back to the doctor to see my new babies again this Friday. At that point they will assess how the medicines are working and at what stage the eggs are in order to plan their retrieval. November 10 is the tentative date for removing those bad boys. They will put me to sleep and use a very large needle to poke through my uterus and into my ovaries and get each individual egg out of it's nest! How cool is that?! Then we will put them together with Steven contribution to the process, and wait..... 

Somewhere around November 13-15 they will take the good embryos and implant the two best ones back in and WAIT...

All of this is assuming they have enough eggs to harvest and that they survive this process. I am praying and believing that I will produce more than enough and that they will be exceptionally gorgeous! (ha)
At this point, if they are ugly PLEASE DON'T TELL ME! I will dress them cute anyway.

Many prayers needed for my health, sanity and marriage over the next month please! 

Here is a sweet reminder of my first angel that I won't ever forget! 
XOXO sweet fetus!

                       Nothing will ever out do this I don't believe! 

Have a great week!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. ~Douglas MacArthur

Well,  I am 35 and fabulous! I wanted to update you all on our progress in this "journey" that kind of resembles hell a lot of the time! I was started on birth control pills two weeks ago. The purpose is to regulate my cycle, to a tee! We don't want any early ovulation so they time this in order to get my body to participate. After many years off of any birth control, one would think that this wouldn't be such a big deal, BUT...I'm going crazy! I was never able to tolerate bc pills because of the side effects, and this time is no different. I have been hungry but can't eat, nauseous, anxious and hormonal as I can possibly be. I totally feel, well...pregnant. So my schedule looks something like this...

Yeah, I kinda want to shoot myself! I have to consult this because I have no idea where I am supposed to be or when, and on what meds. I finish the bc in another week and we move on to the big dogs.  I just realized  what a big commitment we have made. IVF is making significant demands on my time, energy and emotions. This seems like a small price to pay, and I'm sure it will be but it much harder than I ever thought it would be. During this time, I'm making trips to back and forth to the fertility clinic, taking pills, receiving injections, and being monitored for possible problems as well as signs that the treatment is working. And emotions are running very high. This pretty much sums us up right now.

As a result of taking responsibility for the emotional impact of the infertility, the woman experiences intense feelings, such as pain, anger, fear, etc., which, combined with the messages that her way of dealing with things is in some way dysfunctional or "crazy", causes her to feel an anxious depression. As feelings spill out, she feels out of control and doesn't really know how to ask for what she needs, especially from the husband she is struggling so hard to protect. She may yearn for an emotional connection/interaction at one moment and in the next withdraw emotionally from her husband when she fears she has disappointed him.

Men find themselves in a position where, regardless of how well they've been trained to solve problems, they are helpless to make this situation better for the woman and, as a result, may give off messages that she is "too" emotional or sensitive, hoping that this will calm her down. The wife hears this as criticism of her coping and care taking skills rather than as an expression of her husband's fears. 

We have no idea how to relate to one another. There isn't much he can say to make me feel better and quell the anxiety, and I'm done trying to talk about it. 
This sums me up!
So thirty-five is hard. Not because I feel old (but for the record I do feel my age creeping up on me), but lets face it...I make a pretty fabulous middle ager. LOL. Really because I my expectations have been blown to hell and back. Thirty five holds so many implications in the fertility world that one can't help but feel like your getting set up on the firing line, execution style. I am trying to keep encouraging myself so In my ventures to do so, I'll share them with you. I still don't understand why we have to go through this, I probably never will. But I do have hope!

Trust, it's not something that is easily done. Sometimes it means letting go of what you believe, what you feel is rational, and putting it in Gods control. It means letting things leave your control, and having hope that God comes through.

Of course, there are easier times to have trust. It seems a lot easier to trust God after winning a million dollars, or getting a new job, or having something good happen to you... but it seems so much harder to trust Him when things aren't going right.

Sometimes we find ourselves acting like Sarah. We know that God has promised to take care of us, but looking at the situation we almost doubt that He is able. Like Sarah, when we hear that good news is coming, we find ourselves sarcastically laughing. (Genesis 18:12-14)

I've always wondered what Sarah thought of that laugh after she knew she was pregnant. I've always wondered how foolish she felt, for doubting God. I sometimes feel what Sarah must have felt!

Because no matter how chaotic things appear to be, or how much we are struggling, God is right there with us. And while we may not always be able to depend on our jobs, or our banks, or even our government, we can always depend on God. Because God not only keeps His word, just as He did with Sarah and Abraham, but nothing can stop God from keeping His word. (Job 42:2)

Today, what struggles do you face? What challenges are in your life? And most importantly, where are you putting your hope? (Romans 5:2-5) My situation is difficult and very public! Most people are not as open about their problems as I have been. But the truth remains the same. The only constant in any bad situation is God. He is the only thing I have. The only comfort and the only way. 

Be encouraged today. No matter what life throws at you, He does care and He is listening. I know that he has good plans for the Elliott's! I have no idea what they are, and that's the hard part. All that I can say is I'm still "ALL IN"! 

I will update as new developments arise. If you see me on the news or on J Ruben Longs website, just ignore me! Just sayin.

Thursday, September 13, 2012


So after many months of discouraging news and much prayer, it seems that we have received a VERY LARGE miracle. Steven and I came into some money that we didn't even know existed. We have decided to go ahead with the IVF cycle which will being on the first day of my next cycle. (For those of you that are super nosey, that should be Sept 30 ish if all goes as planned). I will start medications, ultrasounds and blood work for several weeks, and proceed as my body hopefully reacts well. We are still raising funds to cover the other expenses related to getting this baby here, but the lump sum needed has been drastically diminished at this point, making this whole process not seem so insurmountable. I would like to thank all of my great friends and family for their contributions so far. Weather monetary or just supportive phone calls and emails, they have given me renewed hope in humanity. We are extremely excited for this process and praying hard that the little embryo will stick and grow. It's going to be a hard few months, for me as the medications do have many side effects, and for Steven...the lucky recipient of those harsh side effects! LOL. Please keep us in your prayers as we endeavor into the greatest journey of our lives. I know that there is a baby for us and have no choice but to keep a positive attitude and go into this with tons of faith! So do me a favor, please! No talk of "if there is a baby" or "if this works", only "when there is a baby" and "when this works"! Go ahead and plan the shower and monogram everything in sight! haha!

Will y'all still be my friends if I look like this?

Again, thank you so much to all of you who have pushed me through this, kicking and screaming! I can't image doing it without each and every one of you there with me!

Details to follow...

Saturday, September 1, 2012

The greater the struggle, the greater the REWARD!

                     “Miracles are what happens when you get out of the way of yourself.”
                                                                 ― Brad Szollose

Ahoy mates. Back again, and this time with the FINAL diagnosis...NOT my final destiny, but my final diagnosis. Steven and I went today back to get our final results from the fertility clinic.  Dr Singleton had told us on our previous visit that she thought we were good candidates for two more rounds of IUI and that she thought we could be successful with that.  We had one more issue creep up in the meantime. Steven's sperm count was 11 million last week, where it had previously been normal. They like to see it at 20 million for those of you that don't keep count! She wanted to repeat the sample (much to his dismay...=)) today and give us the results at this consultation. Well...she dropped a bomb on us! Needless to say, his counts dropped to 5 million today, and I don't have but 3 follicles (which carry the egg) instead of a normal 10-12. So basically we are a HOT FERTILITY MESS! Us old fossils don't have any eggs or sperm to speak of. Last time I checked, those were kinda necessities. So that knocked us out of any chance of a 1900 dollar baby, and moved us to a 15,000 dollar baby. I swear, I can find a way to be expensive at all costs! I think we both sat there in a complete daze. Looking at each other, and back at her like "uhhhh okay, can we just write a check"? Clearly we don't have 15 grand laying around, so that's problematic. But that is not my real "problem". My struggle is that Mary didn't even need sex to conceive! WOW! How nice would that be? lol.
I should start by saying that I whole heartedly believe that I am going to have a baby, or 3! I know that I have a promise that I am clinging to. This without a doubt is the hardest thing I will ever face. This has been the most excruciating two years of my life, but I have to believe that it is not in vein. The greater the struggle, the greater the reward! RIGHT? 

Psalm 84:11, TLB. "For Jehovah God is our Light and our Protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will He withhold from those who walk along his paths."

Jeremiah 30:17, NIV. "But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds."

God promised Abraham and Sarah a child, but she did not bear a son, Isaac, until age 90 (Genesis 11:30).

Isaac, Rebekah’s husband, prayed fervently, and God answered, resulting in the births of Jacob and Esau (Genesis 25:21).

Rachel prayed, and at long last God “opened her womb.” She bore two sons, Joseph and Benjamin (Genesis 30:1; 35:18).

Manoah's wife, who was infertile for a time, gave birth to Samson (Judges 13:2).

Elizabeth in her old age gave birth to John the Baptist, the forerunner of Christ (Luke 1:7, 36).

The barrenness of Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel (the mothers of the Israelite nation) is significant in that their ability to finally bear children was a sign of the grace and favor of God. I know that I have favor with God. He is not with holding any good thing from me. He wants me to have a righteous child. I believe that. 

The "problem" is, how? Well really, it's His problem, and I want to help. I kinda like having some say so. I'm pretty sure last time I checked, He probably doesn't need my help. He didn't consult me on my opinion of the parting of the red sea. We never discussed the ten commandments, and what do ya know, He didn't call me about the ark either. He managed somehow to get by. 
The eternal conflict in my mind is that I want this to happen in my time. I want it to be now because dangit, I'm nice and people like me. Unfortunately, that ain't how he rolls.

  “Each moment of worry, anxiety or stress represents lack of faith in miracles, for they never cease.”
T.F. Hodge, From Within I Rise: Spiritual Triumph Over Death and Conscious Encounters with "The Divine Presence"

I'm sure that to a lot of you, it seems that I am crazy. That there is a clear cut answer to this, so why do i have to make it complicated, right? This is an internal conflict that you can only explain if you have a true relationship with God. I cannot explain my "faith". It truly is the essence of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. Sometimes, I think I'm crazy. I have to keep going, I cannot give this up now. I have fought too hard and believed too much to throw it all to the wayside this far into the game. 
So where does this leave us? I have NO idea. It leaves me sitting in my place of rest. (granted I'm sitting because I am strapped down, hog tied, bound and gagged, but I'm sitting none the less). I fight this once an hour every day of my life for the last two years. There is not one second that this leaves my mind. There is not one baby that I encounter and wonder "what is this like"? What will my baby look like? What will it act like? Why do I deserve this? What can I do? What if it never happens? On and on and on. It's exhausting. I'm tired of thinking about it and wondering. I have not lost faith in God. I have moments of anger and protest and sometimes I feel closer to Him for that reason. But I CANNOT give this up now. The only thing I have is faith. Call me crazy but I believe that this struggle is going to reap GREAT REWARD!

Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.
To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.

So please pray for Steven and I. I don't know what the right answer for us is. It's really not up to me. I am going to wait until I know that I know that I know what He wants for us and whatever that is, is truly what I want more than anything (even a baby =))! 
Oh and I'm making Steven dress up as Abraham and I'll be Sarah this Halloween! ahahaha. Just because I crack myself up! 

I hope your weeks all go well. I am going to relax (yeah right) and enjoy my weekend off!
Until we meet again...

Peace! Love and Gamecocks!


Saturday, August 11, 2012

"I can't have a testimony without a test"

Well, here is the update. Try to stick with me as I endeavor to explain a very complicated process via blog! There is good news and bad news! The good news is that I can't eat jack and I have lost 3 pounds this week! And that's about where it ends. Up until now Steven and I have been told that I have 2 out of 3 things wrong. We were made aware this week at the fertility clinic that I have 3 out of 3 wrong! (I always say, "go big or go home" right?) we are faced with a decision. The doctor has advised us that she wants to do 2 more IUI procedures adding stimulation medications and ovulation medication to assist with this. I am not producing enough follicles and therefore the chance of an egg being produced is slim to none. My uterus is misshapen, and my hormones completely whacked (SHOCKING). Basically this is the deal. We are having to come up with 1500 bucks per cycle and the first cycle should start this pressure. I will inject meds and take them by mouth. I will have ultrasounds, another HSG which will tell her exactly what my uterus looks like, and then we will try to get the eggs to come out and play. I would undergo the IUI in about 3 weeks. 

I am overwhelmed and scared. Steven and I are praying and well, worrying about what the right thing to do is. According to the specialist we have less than a 10% chance of ever conceiving and carrying a baby naturally. These medications will at least put me back up to a 20-25% chance of conceiving. That's a normal chance. The risks are minimal. If the meds make me produce too many eggs, they will simply go in with a huge needle and puncture all of the small eggs. Easy peasy right? (WTH?)...the other risk is...
It is estimated that the risk of becoming pregnant with twins while taking letrozole is 10%, while the risk of becoming pregnant with triplets is less than 1%. On the other hand, women who take gonadotropins in conjunction with IUI have as much as a 30% chance for multiple and high-order pregnancies and births. 


I Found this video and it pretty well depicts this whole process in 3d. Take a look!

So all that said, I hope pregnant women are okay with one kidney because Steven and I will be donating ours on Monday morning!  When we make a decision and move forward I will update. Please say a prayer for us as this reality is very hard to deal with and our hearts are broken for it to have come to this. Trying to keep the faith and let God do His thing!

Psalm 113:9
He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD!

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Thank God I have a rich daddy (in heaven that is). I'm continuing to have faith and believe. I don't care if they tell me I don't have a uterus at all!

Until I see some results...

P.S. If you get a chance, go listen to this song. And get your tissue out! It's precious! - Kellie Coffey - OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma - Country / Pop / Rock - It's called I would die for that. It looks like the play button is above the actual song so if you start listening to something else go press the one above it!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

One pink line short of a HOT mess!

"I might have to wait. I'll never give up. I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life." ~ Michael Buble

Infertility causes such a myriad of strange emotions for me. No sh** right?  This subsequently causes my husband to be crazy! I wanted to update and let all of my "friends" know what was going on. After two long years, we are headed to Charleston to South Eastern Fertility Clinic. This has been no easy decision. Steven and I have fought, prayed and finally decided that having a consult won't hurt a thing. The basic logistics of IVF are that the cycles must be completed by my 38 birthday, using my own eggs. I'm concluding that the eggs are too old and worn out after that, and would skew their statistics if used! So that leaves me almost 35 now, with 3 years to complete a family should we chose this route. WOW! NO pressure. I'm hoping maybe I can pop 2 out at once and be done with this noise! (yeah, I'm a sucker for punishment)! In the meantime, I am still dealing with the emotion ridden details of this journey. Let me elaborate.

Some may describe me as this way (not gonna mention any names but they live with me and they aren't white and fluffy =0) obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren’t very admirable traits; no wonder peoples understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed, and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

I am confused as to why this has been my fight. I always assumed that I was as fertile as my mother who got pregnant passing my dad in the hall way. And funny enough, I used to tell my mother that I thought Jana was given especially to me, because I was afraid of this outcome. She was definitely a good learning experience and if she is the foretelling of what my children will end up like, I'm a happy camper. (Although she is spoiled rotten, would you expect any less for the little Elliott?) Maybe somewhere in my subconscious I knew this was in my future. 
I feel rushed because I am 34! OMG! I haven't had that "OH CRAP" moment with my age yet, where I cry and freak out because i am OFFICIALLY OLD! That being said, I am starting to feel my age. I go to bed earlier, I wake much earlier! I chose slow, nights in with my husband, a radical change from the many years of being a social butterfly and never slowing down. My joints ache and my face has wrinkles. I am beginning to feel a time crunch knowing the statistics on pregnancy late in life. I am scared that I will be pushing a walker, and a stroller at the same time! And then comes the unthinkable...


Lord knows this doesn't need much explanation. I HATE WAITING. I am horribly impatient. I want what I want, YESTERDAY. WOW! Little lesson learned. 

I feel isolated , afraid and alone. You cannot appreciate these feelings, unless you have been here. I know that is cliche but it is so true. Being infertile makes me feel, well, useless. I know logically that that isn't true, but in my heart I am lacking. I cannot give my husband the thing he wants most. I cannot provide my parents and siblings a niece or nephew and a beloved grand baby. I can't keep up with my never ending list of friends that are procreating like I change panties. Life is moving on by me at such a rapid pace. And here I sit. Feelings of inadequacy are  bad enough, but feeling isolated is the worst attribute to fertility issues. If you have known me for a millisecond, then you have surmised that I DON'T DO, isolation. Not this kind. It's kind of like trying to explain how cancer hurts. Nobody can truly understand your hurt, unless they are going through it. It's pain of a different kind. So many emotions that go far beyond "I just can't have a baby". Your marriage suffers, your friendships suffer (which doesn't seem to be much of a problem for me since I am going to 4 showers and throwing two more, plus 2 b day parties just this month). 
I feel angry, but only sometimes. Misguided anger. Not angry at others for having babies, and not angry at going to showers. More angry that this is happening. Very angry at my husband, for not always anticipating the right answer. Angry sometimes that this is not him. I feel alone and isolated, even though I have personal friends that are dealing with infertility right beside me. The "we" in marriage is a moot point when it feels like "me" having to deal with this. I feel sorry for myself sometimes, and sorry that my precious friends are STILL having to listen to me "think this out". 

I am jealous, but in a good way, if that's possible. I am so happy that they are providing me babies at the speed of light, to cuddle and play with and return home! 

Mostly I feel unsettled. I have a new home (which I love) and I mistakenly thought that working on it and decorating it would provide some entertainment and keep my mind off of this little issue. But once I got in, the feeling that something was missing was so stiffing I couldn't ignore it. There is something missing! It seems so unfilled and lonesome! There is an extra room that I can't even walk by without thinking "this is a nursery"! I have yet to even hang a photo in there because the nagging thought is that I don't want to undo it for a baby! I can't bring myself to make it anything else...including a craft room! Presumptuous? Maybe. Hopeful. Yes. Just when I think I have lost my "care" or "want", I walk by that room and remember how much alive my "want and care" really are!

All that being said, I don't know if IVF will be the answer. I haven't given up hope that God will supply me with a baby, or 2!  Maybe this is my helicopter or my boat. I don't know, but it's worth investigating. I pray that walking into that clinic will give me hope, or satisfy my need to "help" God. I will either have a good feeling, a "AH HA" moment, or a nagging "get out of here fast". Either way, I will keep you updated as things arise...well maybe that's a bad choice of words (LOL crack myself up), as things move forward in our little journey! 

Maybe I should consider this bed, to help things along? What do you think?
  In the meantime, keep us in your prayers. I know we have worn God out over the past two years, but it keeps us in close contact! 

Much love,

Monday, July 9, 2012

The Rest is Still Unwritten

As most of you know but many will not remember, next week is my two year anniversary. Not the anniversary that I wanted to celebrate after all, who wants to celebrate two years of fertility issues? Not this girl. I keep contemplating giving it up. Then I remember, dang it's not even my decision. I can pretend to "stop trying" like that is going to hurt the feelings of the big guy, but HE isn't worried about me "stopping" in the least. So pretty much this is where I stand. What am I "doing"? WEll I'm moving into a new house, I'm taking vacations, I just graduated school, I'm working full time and in my spare 30 minutes a week...I shop. Other than that, I have no plan. I'm not sure how to proceed from here. I don't exactly have a guide book for this kinda thing...or maybe I do! 

Micah 7:7 ESV / 25  

But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. 

Habakkuk 2:3 ESV / 17   

For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. 

Psalm 145:16 ESV / 9 

You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing. 

**For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him.**

Looks like I have a few things to go by! And there are only 1000 more behind those. So to satisfy your curiosity, I am still doing nothing. Don't give me too much credit. Sometimes I have a bad attitude and act like a brat. Sometimes I cringe and the baby shower invites. Sometimes I see pregnant women in public and stare as if my life depended on it. But I learned early on, that begrudging others of this joy was not how I wanted this to play out. I dealt with this just like everything else I go. GO BIG OR GO HOME. So I began hand making baby gifts, and going to every shower I was invited to and babysitting more than I ever have and just enjoying everybody Else's JOY! And I'm now less resentful because of it. The cringes have gotten less and less. The thoughts have slowed and I am actually truly able to be grateful for everybody Else's baby joy! So, I guess my time will come! One way or the other.
P.S. Can I borrow somebodies UTERUS? Please and thank u! 

Have a good week. I'll be relaxing in my new pad but for now, the rest is still unwritten!

 In a couple with normal fertility, there's a 20 per cent chance of falling pregnant each month. After 2 years, 94 per cent will be pregnant and the average time to pregnancy is 4 months.

I have beat every single odd so far~ I'm special like that! =)

Monday, June 11, 2012

Fat girl SliM

Heller friends. Long time since I blogged.  I havent had much to say, I know that doesn't happen often so roll with it! I know that I am not fat enough for this surgery alone. However most of you know that I have battled my weight my entire life.  ANd now comes with that, the infertility and extremely high blood pressure and hormones...its a recipe for disaster. know that there are many mixed opinions about bariatric surgeries. I can personally attest to the fact that keeping a strict diet and maintaining it is NOT easy! So I feel like maybe this will help me kill several birds with one stone. And while I wanted to inform you all that I was doing it, I really don't care what you think! lol. Don't hate the player, hate the game! I go in for surgery tomorrow at 1 so please keep all 170 pounds of me in your prayers! The more cheerleading I have, the more weight I lose, the closer I am to another baby Elliott soon! That is the bottom line. I want a baby so bad I can taste it, and if this provides me with even a hint of a possibility that I will get knocked up...I'm all over it. Besides, I can't have a baby, I may as well be a skinny little ho! jk. At any rate I hope that you all see that I am coming from a place of desperation here and not a place of sheer vanity. I will do whatever necessary to get my little prince or princess here somehow! I appreciate all of your support and kind words! Anybody thats a size negative 1 please keep some clothes for me! ahahahahahahahah!

Friday, March 16, 2012

My little nugget

Well,  most of you know that I am no longer with child.  For those of you that don't know, I lost my sweet little nugget yesterday. Just so you know, it was a boy! Of course I didn't have proof of that but I know in my heart that it was! As gross as it may sound, I actually caught it and held it for a sweet minute. At the time I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but looking back that was incredibly bitter-sweet. As devastated as Steven and I are right now, and as much as I totally DO NOT understand really doesn't matter why. I still fall on my face and thank God for the 1 week that I did have, and I try to image that precious little "shrimp" (as Steven called it), sitting on the lap of my father.
I have no idea why. I'm trying not to ask, although the thought is inevitable. I refuse to let this make me bitter and scared. I absolutely could not stomach the thought of flushing it, so I went and bought a box, decorated it (clearly!) and sent my lil nugget out in style! I am posting some pics for those that are interested. I know that some may judge me for being so open with this, but I don't know how else to be! I began this journey very publicly and I feel like I should share triumph, and tragedy. I know that most of you will appreciate this, especially those of you that have been through it. For those that don't me, everybody deals with this differently. My way was to give my baby a proper burial and put this whole thing to rest (literally and figuratively).
While Steven and I are still mourning the loss of a dream we struggled so hard for, we are not dismayed. We are not shaken, nor does this effect my belief in Christ Jesus one bit. I am not angry. He did not do this to me. I have to believe that maybe in His infinite wisdom, He saved me from making a hard decision later in this pregnancy or later in life. He is all-knowing and I am not. I THANK God that He knows better than I do and He knew that this baby wasn't right for me here on earth! What a precious thought...than my child is in Heaven sitting on papa God's lap, CHILLIN! Probably with a Coke since I feel like he was already addicted! So chillin with God, drinking Heavenly Coke?! That's my idea of a good time!

I cannot express enough how thankful I am for the million phone calls, texts and messages that we have gotten over the past week! My heart is so filled with gratitude for my family and my awesome friends that I am overwhelmed. I appreciate each and every one of you. Having such an awesome, praying support group is invaluable at a time like this! Continue to pray for Steven and I as we move forward in this process and begin trying for our second angel in a few weeks!
No matter what you are going through and how bad your life may seem, there is a daddy for you to go to. Crawl in His lap and give your cares to Him. He loves us more than we will ever know! He has given me peace that passes all understanding and joy even in my sorrow!

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. Psalms 26:5


baby e went out bedazzled!

one gift from mommy

and one from daddy! 

RIP sweet nugget!

Friday, January 13, 2012

I don't want to live my life with an Ishmael, when I deserve and am destined for an Isaac!

Well hope everybody had a great holiday season! I know I did! It was not nearly as hard as I anticipated it would be. It's been a while since I blogged, partially because I have been ridiculously busy, and partially because I just haven't felt like dealing with this. As most of you  know, I have the IUI done in December. Obviously that didn't work out for me. I finished 5 months of Clomid before I made an executive decision...TO QUIT! I went to Bible talk one night and my dad was talking about something totally unrelated to this, but in my ADD moment I started to flip through the Bible. I went to the story of Abraham and Sarah. All at once I had my own little epiphany!

God had a plan for Sarah. His plan was for her to stay out of His plan, and let Him do what He does God. Well Sarah had her own idea. I'll relay how I think the story must have gone.
Sarah: I think I'll help God out a little bit. I am having trouble having a baby so I think I'll get ol Abe a concubine and have her carry my chosen baby.
God: Do it my way. I have a plan Sarah. All you have to do is sit back and have faith.
Sarah: naw I think I should help.
Abe: huh, huh. duh? yeah Sarah, this sounds like an awesome idea.
God: Not so much. Leave it alone. I got this.

So Sarah proceeds to get her hubby another baby momma. Abraham listened to God and decided to move His family away from evil, with the promise of an inheritance. Moving is no fun, particularly when your moving van is a camel or a donkey, and especially when you don’t even know where you are going!  That is probably harder on a woman than it is on a man. Sarah is not mentioned in that verse, but her faith is there, every bit as steadfast as Abraham’s. She believed that God would sustain her through the arduous journey and show her husband the place he had chosen for them. Sarah was an intelligent and capable woman. But when she married Abraham she made a decision. She established as her mission in life the task of helping her husband fulfill God’s purposes for him.  I do not believe that Sarah did this with a spiteful or manipulative heart.
The next great strain on their faith is revealed in this statement: “Now Sarai, Abram’s wife had borne him no children” (Gen. 16:1). God was soon to change Abram’s name to Abraham, from “exalted father” to “father of a multitude.” How could Abraham be the father of a multitude when he had no son? duh? Now it was Sarah’s turn to devise a clever human scheme. (Enter Jessica conniving here). She offered her Egyptian slave girl, Hagar, so that Abraham might have a son by her. (No I'm not desperate enough to get Steven a hooker!) I must admit that her suggestion revealed her belief that God would keep His word and give Abraham a son. It was obviously motivated by her love for Abraham and her desire for him to have that son. I know this feeling of desperation well. And at the time, sharing her husband with another woman would have been one of the most sacrificial things she could do. But it was not God’s way. It was another fleshly solution. And God’s ways are always best even when He is withholding what we think we need at the moment (ouch). I have had no evil intent in this either, however my intent is just intent...not His intent.
This impulsive sin had its effect on the relationship between Abraham and Sarah. Hagar got pregnant and eventually became proud and unmanageable. Sarah blamed Abraham for the whole problem when it was actually her own idea. Then she took it out on Hagar, and her unkindness exposed the bitterness and resentment in her soul. Meanwhile, Abraham shirked his duty. He should have said “No” to Sarah’s sinful scheme in the first place. But now he told her to handle the problem herself, to do whatever she wanted to do, but to stop badgering him about it(Steven, lol).

You see even great men and women of faith have their moments of faithlessness (or days, or weeks). And no such moment was worse for Abraham and Sarah than when they laughed at God. They both did it. God told Abraham he would bless Sarah and make her a mother of nations. Kings of peoples would come from her. Abraham fell on his face and laughed, and said, “Will a child be born to a man one hundred years old? And will Sarah, who is ninety years old, bear a child?” (Gen. 17:17). Abraham tried to get God to accept Ishmael as his heir, but God said, “No, but Sarah your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name Isaac; and I will establish My covenant with him for an everlasting covenant for his descendants after him” (Gen. 17:19).
Sarah’s turn was next. The Lord appeared to Abraham in the person of a visitor to his tent, and Sarah overheard him say, “I will surely return to you at this time next year; and behold, Sarah your wife shall have a son” (Gen. 18:10). She was listening at the tent door and laughed to herself, saying, “After I have become old, shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?” (Gen. 18:12). 
“Is anything too difficult for the Lord?” (Gen. 18:13, 14). That poignant challenge pierced their faltering hearts, and faith was rekindled, strong and steadfast. There was that brief setback in Gerar (Gen. 20:1-8). But basically things were different from that moment on.

I said all of that to say...that was my moment. At Bible study that night. The last 19 months have consisted of me laughing at God. What an ass I am! lol. Really? I either believe, or I don't. My friends, I do believe. Who am I that I would laugh at God? That's dumb. Real dumb.Wow! I'm a little ballsier than I thought. I don't want to live my life with an Ishmael, when I deserve and am destined for an Isaac! 
So in spite of the fact that I had the money to do two more IUI's, I have chosen not to. Instead I am going to Europe to visit my sister...and REST. Take my seat of rest in MY FATHER! I quit taking all of the drugs, and subsequently I have felt more peace than I have in almost two years. I still have my yesterday! I get rowdy with God and show Him my attitude problem. He's well aware that I am strong willed and I "just want to help", but He is not participating with my plan. I often have wondered, how many years sooner may God have hand delivered Isaac, if Sarah had obeyed and listened and quit "trying to help" Him. Did she delay her destiny with her scheming?
I don't want to prolong, delay or mess up my destiny, and the destiny of my precious baby. He or she has a set time and a set place to show up here. God has set times and He is never late (unlike me). I don't want to have the kind of faith that only believes when things are going my way. This journey began unexpectedly, and in the meantime, look what I have become! (Not that I wasn't great before that lolol =)). This baby, MY baby, has a sweet destiny and a sweet call. I refuse to settle for anything less than a God ordained Isaac~!

If I have repeated it once, I have repeated it a thousand times this week. 

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Hope, a future and a baby!

I wish I had a magic cure that would make me feel better, but my instincts tell me that having a baby under normal circumstances wouldn't even do the trick.


I'll keep updating as I can but in the meantime when you see my derogatory facebook comments or I'm having a "moment", please find a scripture to remind me that He wants the best for me! I need encouragement more than the next girl! 

p.s. This hoe was 90 years old and abe was 100! WHAAAA? Surely if God can dust that old thing off and use it, I'm good to go! ahahahahaha

The name Isaac comes from the word "Yitzhak" (also Yitzchaq) in Hebrew, which means "Laughing One", "laughter" or "to laugh".  How appropriate is that for me?  Isaac has one meaning as given by GOD HIMSELF to Abraham in Genesis.  It means ''child of the covenant'' or ''child of the promise''. God cannot give the name of His promised child ''laughter'' because this has spiritual significance. God values names very much. *Genesis17:19- And God said, Sarah thy wife shall bear thee a son indeed; and thou shalt call his name Isaac: and I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his seed after him.
I think I'll let God name my boy! =)