Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I guess God needed one more month with my angel!

 Well this week has been...let's just say "extremely estrogen- filled"! I don't know that I have ever in my life been more mad, sad, anxious, tired, wired, happy, excited, mad, mad, mad...did I mention mad, EVER! I took the Clomid days 3 thru 7 as instructed, and sat back while I got impregnated! Well obviously that didn't work out for me. As informed as I love to be about everything, taking fertility medications is not at the top of my list of "knows", at least it wasn't until now! While my doctor did an excellent job of giving me risks, benefits, side-effects blah, blah, blah, she failed to inform me that Clomid not only mimics pregnancy 100%, but also that it can/may prolong your cycle! So four days late, and about to seriously  hatch something, I found out the hard way! I was disappointed, but after months of negatives, one begins to get numb to the feeling after a while.  Shockingly I was so mad I could have spit fire, but not at God. I was mad at Steven. Okay, okay before anybody gets bent out of shape~ let me explain! I prayed to God many times before we found out "what the trouble was", that if either of us had an issue that He would let it be me! Boy was I delusional! I NEVER wanted him to have to feel the rejection and heartache of knowing that you can't give your spouse the one thing they want most in the world. I felt better equipped to deal with these issues and subsequently asked God to just let the "problem" be with me.  I have sense wondered why the heck He chose to listen to me that one Ambien-filled delusional night? REALLY DUDE? I take it back!
So back to the story, I found myself so mad that I was boiling with rage toward Steven. The kind of mad like I drug up every bad thing he has ever done (yes, all two  of them) and replayed them until I would have ripped his throat out with my pinky fingernail if he had been home. Sounds pretty sadistic hu? At the end of the weekend, and after having a lot of alone time to think (NEVER A GOOD IDEA FOR ME), I came to realize just how resentful I am of him. I want more than anything to give this to him. I want him to have to wear the scarlet letter for a while. See when I went on my "girls weekend, my sorted mistress came with me! I had to deal with it there. He left for his guys weekend, and I was left alone, fat, hormonal, bloated, weepy, exhausted, broken, anxious and again, the bane of my existence reared her ugly head. See, no matter what I do, I don't get to escape this. And no matter what I do, he gets reprieve. And that is enough to make a grown woman CRAZY WITH A CAPITAL CR. I realize that, that is not fair. I know there is nothing in the world that he can do. I also know that if he could take this he would. But he can't. So as usual...that leaves me. AND God.

Sometimes that is a volatile combo.

I was at work today and happened upon an ultrasound being read. I approached the screen and took a gander. Clearly not an ultrastonographer (since I thought i was looking at a gallbladder) I inquired about what was on the screen. The pa informed me that it was a 4 week old baby! It seriously looked like an ant! Nothing but a yolk sac and an ant. Having no idea what was happening, you can imagine my surprise at the tsunami of emotions that welled up inside my heart. That may possibly have been the SWEETEST thing I have ever laid my eyes on! I sat there and looked at it like It was a 22 oz Coke on a hot summer day! Almost salivating. I thought to myself...self? How can a person be so in love with an ant? It has no face or eyes. No ears or nose. No personality or feelings. Yet I watched it in utter amazement, like it solved world hunger! I thought, how much can you love something, you don't even know. Yet every single fiber of my being jumped at the thought of how it would feel! The most amazing love and commitment that I will ever know!

And then it hit me. I have to walk this out. Me. Now don't get me wrong. I am taking absolutely no credit away from my angelic husband. He has to put up with the train wreck that is Jessica these days. That in and of itself is heroic. I give him all the credit in the world for being supportive, and of course just plain SEXY! But again, he will never understand how it really feels to walk this out, for me. I have to carry the majority of this burden...


I get to reap the reward of that sweet ant that poses as a leech for 9 months, sucking the sustenance and life out of me! I get to encounter the sweet bond that is, falling in love with something so tiny and seemingly insignificant. I get to feel that overwhelming love that ONLY a mother gets to have for her child. I get to grow, aid, and abed this little life for 9 whole months, all to myself! And while of course Steven will be smitten, he will never get to be mommy!

My sweet ant will never have to do a thing to earn my love. I love it already, and I haven't even conceived it yet. I am smitten with just the idea of it! Just the same, no one has to earn God's love.  No one has to jump through hoops to earn His acceptance.  No one has to crawl on his hands and knees to compensate for past sins.  No one has to do such things because God already loves us.  He has shown His love for us by the sacrifice of His son. It is beyond me how the very thing that I am working so hard to get, he willingly handed to us. No questions asked. WOW! How much must He love and care for his children? This whole concept is so far beyond my earthly comprehension, and yet I get it! And I moan constantly and threaten to remind my little ant daily what I went through to get them here! I have no idea what true sacrifice really is, and neither do you! Thank God for His amazing love, and never ending grace. I may have needed an extension on never-ending this week! 

So for now, I can have normal coitus...purely for fun! That doesn't happen much around these parts lately. No pressure. Just fun. For 3 whole days. Then I start this whole dreadful process again. At least I know what to expect this go'round. I can't say that I have behaved with a demur, ladylike attitude. I have to confess...I cussed a lot this past week. Mostly in my mind, but God reminds me frequently "UM, I CAN STILL HEAR THAT JESSICA"! I have to request forgiveness from my sweet husband and any innocent old person that was driving slow in the left lane...again.  Like the old song goes "I will survive"! I have to go on, pregnant with a promise! 

I'm going to have an ant one day and guess what? It's going to be a "FIRE ANT"!  I know just what they will wear home!

No but thanks for asking!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

update! I visited my eggs!

So I visited my eggs last Monday and it appears that there are 4 follicles! Any one of them or (oh lawd) all 4 could become a little Elliott! I am completely MEDICALLY cleared! The meds are working great and I will call her in 3 mths or...WITH A POSITIVE test!!! I told her that I hoped the next time she was in my vagina, somebody would wave! =} Yes, she thinks I'm nuts!

Now I'm in the dreaded 2ww. Ugggggg. The longest two weeks of your life...I would like to sound confident, but I don't much feel that at all. My thoughts teeter from minute to minute. Some minutes I am happy and excited, and some minutes I wonder how much longer I can torture myself with this. More often than I would like to admit, I think about quitting. Now that we have been trying, I cant imagine failing.  That inability to imagine failure as an option makes the failure every month increasingly difficult to deal with.  As most of you know, I don't like to anything. I may not be the smartest or richest person in the world, but I dang sure got some perseverance! I am NOT a quitter. I’m currently vacillating between anger because I alone cannot beat my infertility issues and my stupid body is too stupid to do what it’s supposed to do and deep, unyielding sadness over the baby that hasn't shown his sweet presence yet! Wow.

And then came a sweet, tender reminder (he's not always loud and booming, although God can be annoying and persistent! Ha like father, like daughter) of this story. I went back and read it and this was a great version!

God delights in turning misfortune to good fortune, calamty into blessing and great need into abundance! In 1 Samuel 1 we read the account of a woman named Hannah. Although she and her husband had been married for many years, she remained childless. Her inability to bear a child was a source of “great anguish and grief” to her. Not only did she personally long to hold and nurture her own child, but her rival cruelly mocked and taunted her because she couldn’t .One year, while Hannah and her husband were worshiping at Shiloh, Hannah prayed a to God again begging him to give her a son. It’s striking that she specifically asked for a son. Furthermore, she promised that she would devote this son to the Lord and His service all his life. Meanwhile, Eli the priest saw her praying and told her,  And just a “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.” (1 Samuel 1:17)When Hannah left that day, she was no longer down-cast, but trusted that God was going to work on her behalf. A short time later, she became pregnant. When her child was born she named him Samuel. Hannah named him Samuel (meaning, “heard of God”) as a reminder that he was an answer to prayer from God.

Samuel went on to be a great judge, prophet and leader of Israel. He was a man who always followed and obeyed God and led Israel to do the same. Through his example and influence Samuel led Israel into righteous living through deeper relationship with God. What a tribute to God’s love and faithfulness to Hannah (and all Israel), and to me!

I am convinced that this will be the greatest hurdle of my life and one through which God may be glorified. Continue to pray to for us and and watch what He does to glorify Himself and bring great blessing to Steven and me, and to others through us!


Physically, I feel like I have had PMS for 4 solid weeks now! PMS x 30! I'm like a caged tiger just waiting to pounce on the first person to ride my nerves. Unfortunately for my sweet husband, he is usually the rider. Bless his little heart, I AM A DEMON. I don't mean I have my moments, I mean EVERY MOMENT IS MY MOMENT. You should really concentrate on praying for him, because he just looks at me most of the time like "what in the H*** have I gotten myself into"?  I cannot help it. I am trying to be sweet but sometimes him chewing gets on my nerves. He breathes to loud, and that gets on my nerves. He leaves the room because he can't do anything right, and I cry. Then I get mad because he made me cry. lololol Fun times!

 So much for timed coitus!

My calendar tells me every single step my body will take and color, time, date and every symptom known to mankind...

 Steven's calendar tells him...well...

Anyway I will try to update soon. I have been physically busy as a bee, and I try not to blog when Im a train wreck, because...well it wouldn't be good!

Hope you all have a blessed week!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I'm pretty sure God isn't Bipolar.

I have heard a lot of things about God over my 26 years here on earth (okay almost 3 flippin 4 years), however I have not heard that God was bipolar yet. Well, I think He isn't anyway. I have one sister that is praying that I will not get pregnant until December, so she will be home for the arrival for our sweet bundle of joy. I have another sister that is praying I'll get knocked up NOW, before she leaves for her trip. I have parents that are praying that I will just get knocked up. I'm praying that I will get knocked up before the surprise 50th b day party somebody better be planning me. My friends are praying that I get knocked up soon so I will stop driving them insane. My grandparents are praying that I'll get knocked up with twins. And...Steven is praying it will take two more years because it guarantees him LOTS of timed coitus! lol. (just kidding). I assured him as soon as I get sperminated, that will be out the window!
So my question is, God cannot possibly make us all happy, without being bipolar, right?  So if it goes that He answers one of our prayers above the others, then how does he decide. And does He always answer our prayers? This is what i came up with...

Of course God answers prayers, we all grant that He does answer prayer -- some prayers, and sometimes. But does He always answer true prayer. Some so-called prayers He does not answer, because He does not hear them. When His people were rebellious, He said, "When ye make many prayers, I will not hear" (Isa. 1:15). I know what you are thinking, Jessica Rebellious? It's hard to believe but it does happen occasionally.  I believe that if you are a Christian, then you should expect an answer. Now, that being may not, and often times will not like the answer you get. Usually, I don't! ." When I claim that no true prayer goes unanswered I am not claiming that God always gives just what we ask for. Clearly that is not the case or I would have a tribe of kids right now!  Think of it like this. Would you let your child play in the street, just because he wanted to? Even though you know that, that street is a major highway and the child will most likely get run over, do you let them do it anyway? UH I HOPE NOT (even though my dad told us repeatedly growing up to go play in the street lolol). I think the same thing is applicable with God. As much as He wants us to like Him, and He wants to play "good cop", He is smarter and wiser than we are and more importantly, He knows our futures. If God let us all have our ways, then we would have absolutely NO need for Him. What would be the point?
God's answer to prayer may be "Yes," or it may be "No." It may be "Wait," for it may be that He plans a much larger blessing than we imagined, and one which involves other lives as well as our own. I would rather Him call me to Africa, than to ask me to have patience. OH GOD NO. I hate waiting. I hate resting. I hate well...not being in control. eeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Yes I said it. I cannot stand feeling out of control. WWOOOOOWWW. I have one nerve left, and God is riding the daylights out of it right now. He is literally bull-whipping me into a place of REST. Because He hates me? Uh, no. I'm His favorite, duh? Because He loves me and he knows what is best for me and my twins (girl and a boy please big guy, oh and an immediate hysterectomy also. sign me up.)
God's answer is sometimes "Wait." He may delay the answer because we are not yet fit to receive the gift we crave -- as with wrestling Jacob. Do you remember the famous prayer of Augustine -- "O God, make me pure, but not now"? Are not our prayers sometimes like that? Are we always really willing to "drink the cup" -- to pay the price of answered prayer? Sometimes He delays so that greater glory may be brought to Himself. Ouch, that is me I'm beferrin to!

God's delays do not necessarily mean they are denials. We do not know why He sometimes delays the answer and at other times answers "before we call" (Isa. 65:24). Rest assured that He is not sitting up there on a big thrown thinking "hum, How can I annoy Jessica today? let me see. hum. I could clang the cereal bowl like Steven does and I knooooooow how much that annoys her, or lets see I could, oh i don't know, make her infertile. YEA, that's it. Ill make her suffer. Now come on people. This dude has way bigger things to worry about. He is not sitting around plotting how to make me miserable. He doesn't need to do that, Satan does a fine job. 
I frequently ask God, what about all these teenagers that get pregnant non-stop. Why are they fit for this and I am not. The answer I finally got was (very loud booming voice) You cannot judge their circumstance by YOUR standard. But what you can do is deal with me on your life, and against MY standard and I GOT THIS.  Uh. okay. Since you put it like that... (rolling my eyes)...
So the moral of this story? God is not bipolar. He does not wait with an infertility gun to shoot people that annoy him. Believe me, I would be numero uno on that list! He is simply trying to get my attention. All that HE wants is relationship. With me, with you, with every human being. The bible says that if we won't worship, He will cause the rocks to cry out. It's really that simple! This was His ORIGINAL INTENT (Floyd, 2011) LOL.

That being said, this is the every day struggle of being baby-less...

 I watch my husband playing with my friend's babies and wish I could give him one of his own.

Sometimes I want to avoid people that I haven't seen for a long time because I don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?".

Feeling very left out when my friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.

Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for me. (lol or just 17 of my nearest and dearest =))

Getting tired of people always saying  "you don't have any kids to worry about".

Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing I could hear a baby crying.

Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren, and your siblings a niece or nephew.

Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" Easy, right?



 I hope He hears my sweet prayers...

Dear sweet 8 lb 6 oz baby Jesus,

P-leaseeeee help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself, and I really do mean that! Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I want to give this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing. (even though I am rolling my eyes =)) Dude, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me enjoy the sweet babies You place in my path and always know that ...I CAN SEND THEIR BAD A**ES HOME! AHAHAHAHAHA


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I'm having a party!!!!

Unfortunately I doubt you will want to come to my party. It's a pity party for one! I am happy to report that after 3 days of clomid, I am having minimal side effects! NO nausea, vomiting, diarrhea or dizziness that the doctor warned me about. HOWEVER...the emotions are unfreakinbelievable. I can explain it kinda like a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BAD PMS. I am happy as can be one minute, and within 20 seconds I am having very vivid thoughts of scraping someones eye balls out with my xacto knife. I cry at every single ASPCA commercial narrated by Jewel. The Toys R Us sign made me want to scream and I am having almost constant horrible hot flashes. That's what I get for making fun of my mother when she has a "flash" and ends up practically naked on the back porch in the dead middle of winter. I burn from the inside.
I am very thankful that I am only having the minor suicidal/homicidal thoughts and nothing else major (hahaha no big deal dude). Please do not approach me for any major news in the next few days, it will not be productive! I am feeling okay physically, but the part that I am having so much trouble with is that as long as I was "not doing anything proactive to get pregnant", then I didn't have to deal with the whole reality of being infertile. Taking meds to correct this is forcing me to have to deal with my fears and anxieties about it not working. If I take the meds, and I still don't get pregnant.....THEN WHAT? Now I have moved into a whole new realm of reality! I'm scared. I am writing this through sobbing, massive tears. Very rarely do I cry, and very rarely do I show my "softer side", but I cannot help myself this time. There probably won't be much humor to finish this one out. I am so scared of having to deal with the disappointment, heightened by having taken meds that are supposed to help, when I get my period this month. The intense feelings, the veritable barrage of emotions that you encounter— grief, embarrassment, uselessness, helplessness and like such a failure as a woman and wife when that one trip to the bathroom crushes you instantly. Constantly letting down your spouse is very hard to cope with every month. EVERY MONTH. EVERY SINGLE MONTH. I cannot remember a time at all, when I didn’t daydream about being a mother. It was, believe it or not, never a career or education(could have fooled me) that interested me, just babies! The very thought of that not happening is debilitating right now. I am going
to make it, because I am blessed, but I am allowed a bad day, or week, or month right? I'm pretty sure this is 30% Jessica speaking and 70% hormones, but never the less, this week SUCKS! I feel better now! 

Thanks for letting me vent! Tonight is my last night of Clomid, so I have four days free until "TIMED COITUS" (aka: baby makin time).  I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Monday, where she will again examine my eggs to see if they truly are mature and ready to hatch. Exciting, right? 
I'm holding on to this... In the general sense of the word, to have faith is to believe in something or someone, to fully trust, to be so confident that you base your actions on what you believe. To have faith is to be fully convinced of the truthfulness and reliability of that in which you believe. Faith in God then, is having the kind of trust and confidence in God and in Christ that leads you to commit your whole soul to Him as Saviour (Justifier, Inseminator hahaha, (had to add that in) Cleanser, Healer, Deliverer) and Lord.
The NIV translation says, "Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1 NIV).
 Every time I start to feel overwhelmed and scared I think of this story...and of course I cry...duh?
I know you have all read it before, but it bares repeating. I'm so glad he's carrying me right now! 

One night I had a dream
I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets
of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me
and the other to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only on set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This always bothered me
and I questioned the Lord
about my dilemma.
"Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome
times of my life there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You most,
you leave me."
He whispered,  "My precious, precious child,
I love you and will never leave you
never, ever during your times of trial and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints
It was then that I carried you."

Margaret Fishback Powers

Until then, say a prayer for me, and my coitus! (ahaha). I don't even know what that is, but that is the name she has given my sex life and it sounds kinky so I'm going with it! 

I look a little thin and tanned in this pic but it's def me!