Monday, October 31, 2011

Month 16...cradle is still empty...

Wow! Long time-no see! As most of you probably know, my dear grandmother had a stoke last week. I got my "friend" more commonly known to me now as an explicit 5 letter word...I was so busy with her that I hardly had time to notice. She is doing much better, but a nurses job never ends! My family has been camping out in Florence for a bedside vigil, prohibiting me from catching up. (not to mention work, and school!) Anyhoo...I'll get on with this.

I am currently taking clomid for month three. I was instructed to call the doctor with a positive pregnancy test, or after my third cycle. The thought of calling her is nauseating right now. I feel like a freight train with no gas left. I started this thing in typical Jessica fashion...bull in a china shop style (cuz that's how I roll). After 16 months, I'm exhausted. I know that at the end of this month, my options are again set before me. And again I am forced to deal with the reality of this. Do I take more meds? Injectable hormones (just what I freakin need)? IUI? Where will I get 5,000 dollars to finance this little dream? If it doesn't work, we are out 5 grand. Stay with my doctor whom I trust and adore, or move on to reproductive endocrinologist? How will my puppy daddy face "making our little bundle" in a gyno bathroom? The questions are endless. I'm pretty sure my husband is on hiatus from fertility talk! He doesn't know the answers either. I feel sorry for him. It has become apparent to me over time, that my sense of pain over not becoming a mother Is clearly far greater rooted than his. Don't get me wrong, he wants children as badly as I do, we just deal with the disappointment differently. He internalizes everything, and I blast it on the world wide web! Still the barrier it creates between us, is yet another hurdle in and of itself.
But God...God indeed is the creator of life and the God of comfort and peace.
I looked up the meaning of barren and according to good ol Webster it is translated: lacking Interest or charm. Omg, charm is all I have left! If it weren't for charm, I wouldn't even have a husband! I don't want to be lifeless, or uninteresting or without charm!! Somebody has to pass this "spirited" personality of mine on! Duh?
 I believe that it is a personal heart condition. What is the intent behind the medications?  "If you can't get pregnant on your own . . . " What? Like what are we now the Creator? I know most people wouldn't say that, but think about what our mindset presupposes. The audacity of us to think that we can make a baby all by ourselves. It doesn't even matter if Steven and I were using contraception the whole time to try to keep from getting pregnant, if God wants to use your womb to create a new life, no contraception will stop Him. I'm sure you've heard of "Oops Babies." That is an insult to God. He didn't say "oh crap! when He made them any more than if the parents weren't using conception.--God decides, we don't, because He is God and we are not! God creates, we don't. Because He is great at it, and clearly I am not! That's because my womb is under His sovereign control. Always. I have suffered far too long under the illusion that ANYTHING I can do to my womb is beyond His control. If He wants Steven and I to create a new life then he can and...He will. Sometimes I think if He hasn't yet, it's because the machinery He made is malfunctioning and He needs to outsource the manufacturing process? Doubtful! He knows how to make it work--He's the designer, after all. So what gives? The problem is not with Him, its with me! God does not need my permission to procreate, and then, when I "decide" we're ready, I'm upset because He doesn't comply when i tell Him He's supposed to do it now! The reason I think this way is because I (and many others) have the misconception that we are the ones that make the babies. We're not. Not ever. He creates, not us. He decides, not us. But you know what? Who am I (or any doctor or medication) to think that any of this can seize God's sovereignty over my womb out of His hands? He hears my prayers. He heard the first million of them and He will listen to the next million. I'm sure He is sick of my moaning!  This is probably not how the godly women in the Bible "dealt" with infertility. They prayed. They humbly petitioned Him. Because they realized it's a matter of God opening and closing the womb. Not a matter of us fixing His malfunctioning leftovers, it's about truly believing that he wants to do it!

God can do anything, you know-far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. (Ephesians 3:20 MSG)

I said all of that to say...I have no idea where I'm going from here. That decision will come when I am forced...and I in turn force my husband to decide!  And we will let God decide that. I'll do what I am comfortable with. In the meantime... all I want to give thanks for is my awesome family, my wonderful husband, my patient and caring friends and all of our health! I am focusing on the life that I have, and the things that I appreciate, but take for granted. (like my angel grandma!)

But for Christmas I want vomiting, bloating, dizziness, crankiness, mood swings and cravings!
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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Gonna get knocked up...despite Satan's best efforts to keep me down!

Where should I start? Here is the "not so skinny" right now, on what's happening in the wild world of the Elli'msohormonalitsunbelievableotts ♥. How about with the fact that I was supposed to take the beast of a drug days 3-7, but in true Jessica fashion, I got busy being a social butterfly and forgot. So I took them 5-9 instead! I had no idea if that would work, nor did I really care this month. Shocking...I know! For 15 months now, my entire life has revolved around pills and temps, sperm "friendly" lube, hostile mucous environments, peeing on sticks and trying to get that one sweet little sperm to jump on that one aggravating egg! Honestly, I'm kinda over it. I need a break from reality! Or as Steven pointed out, maybe I need to focus on other stuff and forget it for a while. I think that he may be wishful thinking, but I'll try it!

Well, I went to Bible study last week, feeling horrible because I just dropped my last sister off for the gas chamba (as nana says) lolol. Needless to say I wasn't really in "Bible study mode". I pressed on and went and I'm sure glad that I did. Bear with me while I relay a story! I promise it will have significance later...

Very long story dad has been dealing with chronic back pain for 25 years now. Doctor say he need a backiotomy (crackin myself up again).

No really the doctors have repeatedly told him that he could have surgery, but it may not do any good. He has been to multiple chiropractors, holistic doctors and tried every other method he could find...with no relief. So he tells us this story last week.

Dad: I was riding along a few months ago and was begging God to help me, to heal my back.
 (If he was going to be an effective minister of the gospel, then how would/could he do that with a jacked up spine?) So after praying for a "miracle" for 25 years, the big booming voice finally spoke to him about it. God told him and I quote "I have already done, all that I am going to do, so stop asking". TRIPLE OUCH.

So dad says "uh okay then". And then came the revelation. If you really believe that God sent His son Jesus to die on the cross for, lets just say, our healing...then doesn't it make sense that He already took care of our healing way back then? Sounds logical to me. My dad said, "wow, I have had this healing all along, but me in my mere human brain didn't have the foresight to just claim it and walk in it. Instead I spent years wondering why God would want me in pain". You see God doesn't want any of us in pain, physically, mentally or emotionally. We are so hell bent determined to do things our way, and "make it work", that we forget that HE already paid the ultimate price for our redemption many, many years ago!
So back to dad. Picture this. His back locks up last week (before this bible study), and instead of crouching on the floor and laying there like he usually does, he began to pray and demand what is rightfully his. And low and behold...he stood straight up and walked away with 0, nada, zilch, NO BACK PAIN! Now picture this. He was so excited that he took off out of the house running like a wild psych patient screaming and flailing his arms that he was healed, and telling Satan that "I told you so". ahahahahahahahaha I would love to have been a neighbor on that street! You know they thought he had escaped from an asylum somewhere! =)
As my dad was telling this story I began to cry (yes again). This is so me. I always thought, "my dad doesn't really understand this. He keeps telling me to have faith and that he believes, but he isn't having to walk this out". WOW. He does understand! Having to lay hunched over your steering wheel to drive, and barely unable to sit for any extended amount of time, was his fertility problem. He was having to walk out the pain of his back, and the inability to do normal activities of daily living, and was still able to look at me and say "it's going to be okay. You are pregnant with a promise"...and he really does believe it! I didn't give my old man nearly enough credit!

I have been laying around still wondering when my turn is and begging God. Well lets just say I have my answer.
This is where you all come in. I am choosing to speak words of life and encouragement over my situation. I will no longer refer to myself as "infertile". I am not "infertile". And if you think I'm crazy, refer to the blog where the doctor told me that I defied all odds and somehow miraculously became normal after a year and a half, three ultrasounds and an hsg said that I wasn't normal! See God gave me a promise many months ago, then to top that off he sent me to a doctor that confirmed what he promised...and here I sit...begging and waiting for the miracle! OMG. This is the miracle! It hit me like a ton of bricks when I heard the big guy speak.
God: So Jessica...
Me: yup?
God: what else do you want, how about some writing on a wall?
Me: okay, okay.  I get it. again.
Me: I sure am glad you are patient. (antoine dodson voice) OBVIOUSLY I is a little slow.
God: You aren't the only one. lol

So the moral of this story baby...YET! It's my time for God's favor. I am laying hold of my promise instead of embracing a diagnosis that by most peoples standards, is hopeless.

Romans 5

Developing Patience
 1-2By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.  3-5There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! And that included babies!

See, no matter what you are living through, God has already thrown open a door. All you have to do is take one step toward Him, and He will run to you! I need Him. I still have moments where the devil on my shoulder says discouraging things. And sometimes I believe him.  I am choosing to believe the God of my promise. You all think I'm crazy...just wait! When I do get pregnant, I may just run through my neighborhood like a fool screaming and waving that God has finally come through for me! lolololol I love you dad!
He just can't give her/him up can he? Must be sweet!

P.S. Jaime just got over being sick as a dog, but managed to hike a volcano today! She texted me "the big girl lives"! lol. she is doing much better and looking forward to a fun-filled week ahead!

Jana is doing well and has found a hot little British specimen to salivate over while she studies the Bible! =)
I miss them both more than i ever thought possible, but am planning a European vaca for March! Yeah!!!!

Have a good week all, and remember to speak life over your circumstances and stop believing that devil on your shoulder.