Tuesday, January 29, 2013

For when I am weak, then I am strong...SURPRISE!

"God uses men who are weak and feeble enough to lean on him." — Hudson Taylor, missionary to China


I am writing this blog today with a swollen face and abundant tears . I cannot stop crying and I'm not sure why! I have been contemplating writing a new blog for weeks now. Unfortunately, I haven't had anything to say! Not for a shortage of words on my part (duh?), but I haven't had any peace. The question still lingers, "what are you going to do next?" I have had no idea what to do next. For those that know me well, I have had a heinous new year so far. It seems to me like the world is going to hell in a hand basket and somehow, I have been commissioned to save it! That mostly has little to do with the fertility situation, however the stress is tremendous none-the-less. 

I have spent countless hours begging God for the lesson here. Why me? What am I supposed to learn? What am I supposed to get from this? In true Jessica fashion, lets hurry this little lesson on up and get ur done, so I can move on with my house with a picket fence and 2.5 kids dream. Heller? Well I'm here to tell ya...that ain't workin out for me. That being said I believe I know the temporary answer to this. Instead of pining and begging God to do for me, I need to channel this frustration into something meaningful.

So through a long series of events...I believe that if I can't have a baby of my own {right now} it is necessary for me to love on other babies and mothers! Steven and I have prayed and decided to take a medical/Christian/humanitarian missions trip to the Amazon! I'm so excited that I could pee! A complacent, unchallenged Jessica=big trouble. I need to nurture, I need to feed, I need to fix! What better way than to give to those who have problems beyond my comprehension? 
 Steven and I have decided, instead of begging God and everybody else for baby funds...to ask God to provide us the money to go provide others with a tenth of what we have. 
As most of you know, my family is very involved in missions currently and have been all of my life. The Lord put this on my heart several years ago, and it kept getting put on the back burner...for the sake of baby. I feel in my heart that I am called to go and help people first and foremost. The baby will have to be a complete gift from God at this point. I have done everything humanly possible to make this happen and guess what? It's hasn't worked. It's not up to me! I believe with all of my heart that I will have a baby, but for now I need to be focused on nurturing others. I need to give my anger, grief and sorrow to a good cause. Sitting here in my house crying and letting my little mind wander is only presenting me with a new set of anxieties.  

I believe that God wants to bless us. I believe that He wants good things for us. They may not come packaged in a blue or pink blanket (sniff, sniff) but his blessings are here and available and I am willing. My life cannot consist of the "American dream". It's fine for other people, but I feel called to go and do some much more. I don't have any idea weather missions work is my calling. At this point I am not questioning my life long term (well I am but I'm trying REALLY hard not to =)). I feel compelled to go explore this option. It's not a maybe, it's an I HAVE TO!  

I know that people may not understand my rationale and that is okay. I still want a baby so bad that I would give one of Stevens vital organs for it! haha. Okay really I well, yeah I would go that far...anyway...Yes I want a baby and the thought of it NEVER leaves my mind. I cannot escape that womanly longing that is more strong than I ever imagined possible. Is a missions trip going to provide that? Doubtful. What a missions trip will provide is filling my need for nurturing. I need to nurture something, somebody, somewhere and these people need help beyond belief. 
So the long and short of it is, I am putting my own needs and wants aside, and going to give to those who "NEED" far worse than I can even imagine. I know that God will bless me for this in one fashion or another, but more than that I can't wait to see my perspective change.  We will stay on a boat and go village to village working with doctors and dentists and doing general humanitarian work while sharing the awesome, all consuming love of God with those that don't have a hope. Our trip is scheduled for April 6, 2013. All prayers are excepted and donations are tax deductible. 

"Expect great things from God; attempt great things for God"
 — William Carey, who is called the father of modern missions

I am enclosing the information on our trip in hopes that you all will support Steven and I to the best of your ability. The outpouring of love and support on us is overwhelming in this crazy thing I call life. Please pray for us as we endeavor to do what Christ has called us to do, no matter what our earthly circumstances may look like. 

Again thank you all for your notes of encouragement, support and love for us both. And thank you from AT&T since my phone blows up like an atomic bomb 24/7! I cannot imagine not being vocal about this process and not having the constant support of those we know, and some that we don't know. Each and every one of you holds a precious and dear place in my heart! 

I am reminded of the apostle Paul.  He went through much more than I ever have and found his strength in God.  He reminds us that, “I …have …been in prison …frequently, been flogged …severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. …I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. …Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn? If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. …I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. …[God] said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 11:23-12:10). 

So NOW, the weakest I have ever been, 


World Hope Missions Ministry


Portuguese for Strong Girl

Any chance God will bless me with a Brazilian Butt lift while i'm there? Just throwing that out there God! =)