This sucks! It just totally sucks. No joke! My infertility highlights the fact that seemingly every other woman in the world is pregnant. Kinda like when you buy a car, you never notice how many of them are on the road until you drive one! It often seems to me that every thing, every comment, seems to draw attention to my infertility and conspire to make me feel inadequate and a failure. No matter how much I try, I begin to take things personally. Feeling like a less than anything but normal is hard.
Reading articles that emphasize the bond between mother and child and even see that freaking Kim Kardashian is pregnant only serve to accomplish one thing in my life: they make me feel that my circumstances have condemned to be less than ideal. No matter what I do, I can never have a full life, and that I can never fulfill the requirements of an ordinary wife and woman. They scream to me that I should just suck it up and know that I may never know true love and true bonding, that no matter how hard I try. The thought that I will never measure up and never feel this love is devastating at very least!
While these thoughts run over and over in my head, I make a conscious effort to remember that I don't have to reconcile myself to this destiny. Even writing this I have to hold back the lump in my throat and push away the "control freak" in me that wants to DO SOMETHING...ANYTHING!
Again last week I had another miscarriage. I didn't go to the doctor and I won't ever know if that is truly what happened, however I know in my heart that it was. Same circumstances as the last time. Only this time, I am much more numb. My expectations are so much less. If it's possible, I am becoming much more crass to the loss of life, and potential life. What a horrible feeling.
Well my lack of fertility is based on a world view, not based on what I know, but based on my circumstances. My dad always says "spiritual things can only be caught and understood my spirit. They cannot be explained or understood with natural minds". My circumstances are surreptitious and can influence even my best-intentioned Christian thoughts. What makes it so seductive is how transparent it seems on the surface. After all, what can be more pure than motherhood? What can be more perfect than the bond between a woman and a child?
It’s an illusion, a distraction, from the ultimate truth. It’s Satan’s subtle way of saying, It’s a beautiful feeling, so it must be right. By focusing my thoughts on childbearing as the ultimate and ideal , the true Ultimate and Ideal is overshadowed: God. My circumstances place childbearing above my knowledge that my creator wants good things for me. That my earthly father wants me to have a baby, why wouldn't God want that?
Even in our modern society the idea stands that motherhood is the highest calling of women. While I agree that being a mother cannot be paralleled in any since, the ultimate reason for my existence was not to be a mother. For those of us who are precluded from the fulfillment of motherhood, the lie serves as sharp and bitter sword that separates us from finding our true worth and purpose as women and as human beings. This in and of itself is almost impossible to bare.
I have to remind myself, when my circumstances tell me that I’m less than the ideal expression of womanhood, that God tells me that that I am the ultimate expression of Him! He had a reason that He created me, it was to have relationship with Him. That the ideal expression of my person hood, above all, is to be Christ’s ambassador on this earth, to be like Christ. This is the reason that this mission trip is so important to me. I finally, after three long years am coming to grips with the ultimate lesson in this "journey"! Again I will say, my reasons for wanting a baby are so polar opposite than they were three years ago that it baffles me to think what kind of mother I would have made back then! (Not that I have it all together now, clearly that is the understatement of the decade)
By no means am I trying to understate the importance of being a mother. It is after all what I desire the most in life. Hopefully I have not offended anyone with this blog. I want to give credit where credit is due. No ONE could ever take the place of a mother. It is truly the hardest job you could ever love. My point is not at all to disregard or minimize that, only to point out that being a mother isn't going to "complete me" (thank you Tom Cruise! if i didn't want to hit him then, the couch thing did me in...freak).
That being said, I am so excited to go and find my true calling and hopefully fulfill the desires in my heart. I realize that a week long trip won't take the insatiable need for a baby away. However I know it will further change me, and Steven for the better! While my aspiration is to change the world I am counting on the world to change me!!!
I couldn't resist this! It's so me! In my old life I used to say "Raise hell, your mamma did"! And she did. I intend on being a "Hell raiser"! lol.
God is my Ideal and my Ultimate.
Acts 20: 24
But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.
**My friends Gene and Bronwyn Dougherty have started an apparel company called Only Happy in the Sun or OHITS! I have included a link to their site! For every tee shirt sold they will donate 5 dollars for our missions trip! Go over and check out their adorable tees and hats!**
http://www.ohitsapparel.com or follow the link on my page!