Sunday, December 4, 2011

Easy, quick and relatively painless... Says who?

When will I ever learn????? Doctors lie! Maybe not knowingly but they lie!



So a year ago I went in for a "pain kinda like menstrual cramps" procedure done by my then male doctor! He dilated my cervix to 4/5 cms and waited...and waited...and waited! While I was writhing in pain, cursing and crying he looked up from between my legs and exclaimed "oh honey, you ain't ever gonna make it thru childbirth"! What????? I shot up like a really mad hornet! With an extremely red, tear-stained face I calmly stated "okay dude. When you let me dilate your penis to 4 or 5 cms and hold it waiting on the radiologist, then we can discuss my pain level, but for now...HURRY UP! I'M DYING HERE! (His nurse dies laughing & said "well that's a first") This should have been my first sign!

OK back to yesterday! I had no idea what to expect, but it sho wasn't what I got! She dilated, and dilated, and dilated before exclaiming to the nurse "lord, this is the tightest cervix I may have ever seen! Maybe this is the problem". Again I was writhing in pain and bawling my eyes out! Holy mother of all earth that was no walk in the park. My cervix is also very tilted to the back, so placement was somewhat difficult. My poor husband appeared completely white and traumatized. She finally got it all set up and shot me up! Yeayyyy right? I was excited until I remembered that I had to do it again today! Insert anxiety attack here....

Today was much better! I relieved my husband of his duties in lieu of having my mother by my side. She sweetly complied, and Steven wasn't offended at all to go to Bass Pro with my father while they waited! How jacked up is this? Yeay, I'm pregnant...and my mother was there for it! Lol while my husband and father shopped for dear (haha) targets and insulated gloves! Hahaha that cracks me up! Mommies are so much more comforting than anybody else...ever!

Long story short, I am facing 10 of the longest days of my life! The good news is that if that truly was the issue, it is easily remedied! All I have to do is save 1 grand next time I wanna get knocked up!

So I came out today and the nurse told me "awe look, this is one of our iui's that worked".


 yeah. i almost fainted!

Have a good week friends!









Thursday, December 1, 2011

It's the most wonderful time of tha year...

Turkey baster...meet Jessica...Jessica...meet a turkey baster~ MERRY freakin CHRISTMAS! Whaaaa?  So yeah, um today was my "big" appointment to decide what to "do from here"! I decided at last that Steven should probably break down and go with me. Up to this point I transcribed the information without difficulty, however I didn't think making a decision like this was "I'll let you know" appropriate. So off we went!
The doctor said exactly what I expected her to say. "Your not getting any younger, this is the next step, statistics say...yada yada yaaaaaa". She asked me what the ETA was on my egg making it's appearance. "Monday" I told her mostly expecting her to say "okay well lets plan on starting in January". Not so much! She said "well that's great! I'm on call this weekend so if it happens early we can meet here to do the procedure". WHAAAAAAT? I wish I could describe the looks that shot between Steven and I! lol! Um okay, well we were planning to go to Florida this weekend for our 2nd anniversary but... maybe I'll get turkey basted instead! Can I bring some friends and champagne and make it a party? Let's get ur done! I have no idea what I was prepared for, or what I was expecting, but I'm kinda still in shock. This is happening very fast...

We went through all of the incidentals, such as where Steven would make his contribution (hahahahaha =) yea, I'm like a second grader snickering in his peripheral vision), as well as, the shot I will need to induce ovulation at just the perfect moment. I will go back tomorrow to have an ultrasound so she can get an idea of when the little monster will slipidy slide on down the road to glory! At that point she will let me know weather or not I can go on vacation, and which TWO, yes I said two days I will need to be in for my... ahemmm, procedure. Two times the fun! Nothing like a little turkey basting to get me in the holiday spirit~

For those of you asking, I'll explain a little bit about the physical procedure.

Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is a procedure which involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus to facilitate fertilization. It's kinda like ghetto artificial insemination! bhahaha
IUI is a fertility treatment that uses a catheter to place a number of washed sperm directly into the uterus. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization. Generally it is a fertility treatment often selected by couples who have been trying to conceive for at least one year but who have no known reasons for their infertility.
Although IUI still requires the sperm to reach and fertilize the egg on its own, it is important to make sure that the sperm is healthy and mobile. IUI provides the sperm an advantage by giving it a head start, but it still has to seek out the egg on its own. Go little Elliott sperm go! I want to make a banner for them! 
hayyyy! how you durin?

How does IUI work?

The IUI procedure is simple and may be performed even if the woman is not receiving medication to improve her egg production. Many physicians will encourage women to take medications to stimulate the ovaries in order to increase egg production and, hopefully, the chance of achieving pregnancy (thus the Clomid I have been on for 3 months now).
An ultrasound will be used to monitor the size of the follicles (follicles develop into eggs). The hormone, human Chorionic Gonadotropin (hCG), is administered to stimulate the release of eggs from the follicles within 34-40 hours.
A semen sample will be processed by the lab in order to separate the semen from the seminal fluid (only the biggest and best for me hahahaha). A catheter is used to inject the processed sperm directly into the uterus. This process maximizes the number of sperm cells that are placed in the uterus and thus increases the possibility of conception. 
The next step involves that dreaded TWO WEEK WAIT! As it happens, I will find out December 19-20th. What a Christmas this will be! Weather or not this works out, we feel like it's time to be proactive. My puppy daddy, and I have made the decision to try this a few times (with any luck, and a little helping push from God's hands, only once) to see if it works for us.  And for the record, I did not manipulate him into this. Although his reasons for concern were very valid, after a little bit of education and maybe a tensy, tiny bit of screaming, crying, wailing and gnashing of teeth, he saw things a little more clearly! (JK) We prayed hard about this, and we both have found peace with it.  So, as much as I love the hormone induced night sweats, hot flashes, suicidal/homicidal thoughts, erratic behavior, horrible nightmares, dry mouth and blurry vision I get to encounter every month, I will breathe a sigh of relief to give this journey the heck up! I would be a total liar to say that this doesn't give me renewed hope, and excitement. That being said, the very thought of it makes me cringe. I am moving slowly and carefully through the myriad of feelings that the thought of this IUI produces. What most people find exciting and the happiest moment of their lives, I live in trepidation of. This has been anything but fun and exciting. 

LOL). I can't even imagine how it will feel. I guess the old adage is true, the harder you have to work for something, the more you will appreciate it. I can say that while I will always appreciate the difficulty of this experience, I will forget every single horrible feeling, every month of disappointment, every hot flash, every single one of the million tears I have cried over the past 18 months, the second I see that sweet face! And ... I will probably do it all over again!
All of that being said, this whole process comes with renewed excitement, and with horrible anxieties and fears. I fight the thoughts of preparing myself for disappointment, while trying to stay positive and be excited for a supposedly exciting time! I'm telling you what, it's hard to appreciate the trillion feelings and thoughts that roll through my precious little head in one day. It's enough to torment your soul right out of you.


But God.

I have a promise. I have my faith. Weather or not I ever birth a baby, it makes no difference. I don't blame God (not anymore)! I refuse to believe that this will not happen for me. For those of you that know me, I am stubborn as an ox. I will not go down without a fight. I will not be robbed of something that clearly is mine. I'll have to give it to the old man upstairs (He lets me call Him that. We tight!), He's about worn this ol oxen (is that a female ox? idk. anyways you get the point) completely out. I get the mental picture of my dad spanking me (yes it happened a few thousand times ahahaha). He would chase me in a circle around, and around until I got the point, or he got tired! I wonder sometimes if God isn't chasing me in a circle. Only one problem with that. He's got more energy, and more time that I do. Really, I do believe that He will go to extraordinary lengths to get our attention sometimes. To the extent that He will allow hurtful circumstances to come your way, simply to remind you that you need Him, and that He still cares. If we never needed God, what would be the point? Well clearly, I am not in charge of my "5 year plan". He put the old ax on that real quick like so...here I am.
He kindly reminded me just today...


He is my father! What dad doesn't want the absolute best for his child? He is going to bring me through this whole experience a bigger and better person. You can all attest to my miracle when it gets here! AND you all know that I am kinda fond of dramatic entrances, so it' s should be no shock that my baby will make a grand one!  Until then, He's got her/him hemmed up taking all my sugar! Guess I'll have to suck the faces off of my 19 friends babies for now!
Hi angel Elliott! We are waiting on you!



You think it will look like me? lolol

should have named me Jessichin lyn flo!
Okay, I really have to go to sleep now, so I'll update asap! Please keep us in your prayers over the next few weeks. I will probably not be in my seat of rest, where I should be, but I sure am gonna try!

Happy Holidays! (Probably not all that thrilled about turkey now are ya?)

Monday, November 21, 2011

He's got the whole world in His hands...

Wowzers! I've been so busy lately I haven't had a free second to blog! Not only that but, I haven't had much to say! Hard to believe I know but true!
This is the update that I have for ya...
GUESS WHAT I GOT TODAY?! SHOCKING I KNOW... BUT SHE'S BACCCCCCCCKKKK! This marks the end of my 3 month trial on clomid. 3 long months of hoping this would be my miracle answer! Well clearly it wasn't! I'm not sure where to go from here. The doctor is suggesting IUI. Intrauterine insemination. This is cheaper and less invasive (although I'm not sure how much more invasive them turkey baste-in my va jj can get)!
**Enter problem here: Steven has a little different perspective on this than I do (imagine that). He says that if my body has really only been ovulating and "normal" for six months now, then that means we have only been trying for six months, right? He says and I quote "you are going to kill me for saying this but I don't think you Are being patient enough".



Uh...



Seriously?




Enter flood of tears and barrage of cuss words. Has he lost his ever lovin mind? It has been 17 months of hell that I have "been patient". While I have seen 19 friends try to conceive, get pregnant, and have the babies in the last YEAR, I have remodeled our entire house, learned to wood work by designing and refinishing our entire dining room set, taught myself to sew, enrolled in school full time (for a degree I don't even really need), picked up hunting as a sport, learned to work with felt, started a blog, helped paint my entire house, made my own curtains, planned a wedding, a shower and a bachelorette party, and worked full time ...amongst many other dumb things to keep myself busy. I'm bout to in role in TY KWAN DO, SO I CAN KICK HIS MONKEY *** for saying something as stupid as that.  10 baby showers, countless amounts of hours making gifts and a lot of money spent buying them...I need to BE MORE PATIENT? I'm 34 years old...being patient is no longer a luxury I can afford! As you can probably imagine, this went over like a toot in church! I don't believe that I'm as disappointed that he is unsure of me having the IUI right now, but worse, that he thinks I haven't been patient enough! While understand his point, I don't appreciate it much. It reiterates to me how very lonely this journey really is. Nobody that hasn't been here, really understands. Plain and simple. That doesn't mean that others can't still offer words of encouragement, and that my friends and families opinions don't matter, but personally walking this out...is well...my worst nightmare! And to think I'm not even on the same page as my husband, is freaking devastating.
I don't slow down. I can't slow down. If I slow down I'm scared this whole thing will catch up to me. There has to be a crack in this facade sooner or later. I'm hoping that I will end up knocked up before it rears it's ugly little head!
I hate this!






So I asked my mom, my dad and anybody else that I thought had a brain, what to do...and I got Nuttin! ZIP, ZERO, ZILCH! I didn't start out with any answers to this, and I still don't know what the answer is.

But...HERE IT COMES...

I just happen to know who does have all of the answers. He is right, He is just, He is fair. He knows my name, my desires, even all of the 1 trillion hairs on my head (minus the ones I had lasered right on off)! And more importantly HE CARES! He is walking me through this. While I am disappointed that even the man that I love most in the world, doesn't understand, God still does. WOW! What a humbling thought. Maybe I needed to get to this point. Maybe I needed to not have any other answer in the world. Maybe He's screaming for my attention!!!
He says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

My way of doing this is by praying and sharing my pain with God.
This has been and continues to be my humble request~

Gracious God,
I long for a child and find my heart void of hope as month after month I go childless.
The love that I have and the desire you put in me is overwhelming, but that love seems thwarted every month that this longing is not filled.
Look with tenderness upon me, my father. Let the disappointment that hangs over me be lifted by the joy of your touch.
Let me feel your warm embrace and become envoloped in YOUR plan for my life.
Give me patience that will help re-build my hope.
Give me peace that passes all understanding.
Prepare me for the highest call I will ever receive, the call to be "mommy".
I know that You have the whole world in your hands...and that includes my precious baby Elliott!
Hi baby Elliott! Gosh I hope you have hair!

Now how about loosening up that grip there, ol buddy ol pal!?

Thanks dude,

AMEN!

My next doctors appointment is December 1st to "re-evaluate" my fertility status. Steven's next doctors appointment will be soon if he doesn't stop acting a fool!
 


I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Give thanks for all things, but give extra thanks for your babies! They aren't always easy to come by!




Monday, October 31, 2011

Month 16...cradle is still empty...

Wow! Long time-no see! As most of you probably know, my dear grandmother had a stoke last week. I got my "friend" more commonly known to me now as an explicit 5 letter word...I was so busy with her that I hardly had time to notice. She is doing much better, but a nurses job never ends! My family has been camping out in Florence for a bedside vigil, prohibiting me from catching up. (not to mention work, and school!) Anyhoo...I'll get on with this.

I am currently taking clomid for month three. I was instructed to call the doctor with a positive pregnancy test, or after my third cycle. The thought of calling her is nauseating right now. I feel like a freight train with no gas left. I started this thing in typical Jessica fashion...bull in a china shop style (cuz that's how I roll). After 16 months, I'm exhausted. I know that at the end of this month, my options are again set before me. And again I am forced to deal with the reality of this. Do I take more meds? Injectable hormones (just what I freakin need)? IUI? Where will I get 5,000 dollars to finance this little dream? If it doesn't work, we are out 5 grand. Stay with my doctor whom I trust and adore, or move on to reproductive endocrinologist? How will my puppy daddy face "making our little bundle" in a gyno bathroom? The questions are endless. I'm pretty sure my husband is on hiatus from fertility talk! He doesn't know the answers either. I feel sorry for him. It has become apparent to me over time, that my sense of pain over not becoming a mother Is clearly far greater rooted than his. Don't get me wrong, he wants children as badly as I do, we just deal with the disappointment differently. He internalizes everything, and I blast it on the world wide web! Still the barrier it creates between us, is yet another hurdle in and of itself.
But God...God indeed is the creator of life and the God of comfort and peace.
I looked up the meaning of barren and according to good ol Webster it is translated: lacking Interest or charm. Omg, charm is all I have left! If it weren't for charm, I wouldn't even have a husband! I don't want to be lifeless, or uninteresting or without charm!! Somebody has to pass this "spirited" personality of mine on! Duh?
 I believe that it is a personal heart condition. What is the intent behind the medications?  "If you can't get pregnant on your own . . . " What? Like what are we now the Creator? I know most people wouldn't say that, but think about what our mindset presupposes. The audacity of us to think that we can make a baby all by ourselves. It doesn't even matter if Steven and I were using contraception the whole time to try to keep from getting pregnant, if God wants to use your womb to create a new life, no contraception will stop Him. I'm sure you've heard of "Oops Babies." That is an insult to God. He didn't say "oh crap! when He made them any more than if the parents weren't using conception.--God decides, we don't, because He is God and we are not! God creates, we don't. Because He is great at it, and clearly I am not! That's because my womb is under His sovereign control. Always. I have suffered far too long under the illusion that ANYTHING I can do to my womb is beyond His control. If He wants Steven and I to create a new life then he can and...He will. Sometimes I think if He hasn't yet, it's because the machinery He made is malfunctioning and He needs to outsource the manufacturing process? Doubtful! He knows how to make it work--He's the designer, after all. So what gives? The problem is not with Him, its with me! God does not need my permission to procreate, and then, when I "decide" we're ready, I'm upset because He doesn't comply when i tell Him He's supposed to do it now! The reason I think this way is because I (and many others) have the misconception that we are the ones that make the babies. We're not. Not ever. He creates, not us. He decides, not us. But you know what? Who am I (or any doctor or medication) to think that any of this can seize God's sovereignty over my womb out of His hands? He hears my prayers. He heard the first million of them and He will listen to the next million. I'm sure He is sick of my moaning!  This is probably not how the godly women in the Bible "dealt" with infertility. They prayed. They humbly petitioned Him. Because they realized it's a matter of God opening and closing the womb. Not a matter of us fixing His malfunctioning leftovers, it's about truly believing that he wants to do it!

God can do anything, you know-far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. (Ephesians 3:20 MSG)

I said all of that to say...I have no idea where I'm going from here. That decision will come when I am forced...and I in turn force my husband to decide!  And we will let God decide that. I'll do what I am comfortable with. In the meantime... all I want to give thanks for is my awesome family, my wonderful husband, my patient and caring friends and all of our health! I am focusing on the life that I have, and the things that I appreciate, but take for granted. (like my angel grandma!)

But for Christmas I want vomiting, bloating, dizziness, crankiness, mood swings and cravings!
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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Gonna get knocked up...despite Satan's best efforts to keep me down!

Where should I start? Here is the "not so skinny" right now, on what's happening in the wild world of the Elli'msohormonalitsunbelievableotts ♥. How about with the fact that I was supposed to take the beast of a drug days 3-7, but in true Jessica fashion, I got busy being a social butterfly and forgot. So I took them 5-9 instead! I had no idea if that would work, nor did I really care this month. Shocking...I know! For 15 months now, my entire life has revolved around pills and temps, sperm "friendly" lube, hostile mucous environments, peeing on sticks and trying to get that one sweet little sperm to jump on that one aggravating egg! Honestly, I'm kinda over it. I need a break from reality! Or as Steven pointed out, maybe I need to focus on other stuff and forget it for a while. I think that he may be wishful thinking, but I'll try it!






Well, I went to Bible study last week, feeling horrible because I just dropped my last sister off for the gas chamba (as nana says) lolol. Needless to say I wasn't really in "Bible study mode". I pressed on and went and I'm sure glad that I did. Bear with me while I relay a story! I promise it will have significance later...

Very long story short...my dad has been dealing with chronic back pain for 25 years now. Doctor say he need a backiotomy (crackin myself up again).

No really the doctors have repeatedly told him that he could have surgery, but it may not do any good. He has been to multiple chiropractors, holistic doctors and tried every other method he could find...with no relief. So he tells us this story last week.

Dad: I was riding along a few months ago and was begging God to help me, to heal my back.
 (If he was going to be an effective minister of the gospel, then how would/could he do that with a jacked up spine?) So after praying for a "miracle" for 25 years, the big booming voice finally spoke to him about it. God told him and I quote "I have already done, all that I am going to do, so stop asking". TRIPLE OUCH.

So dad says "uh okay then". And then came the revelation. If you really believe that God sent His son Jesus to die on the cross for, lets just say, our healing...then doesn't it make sense that He already took care of our healing way back then? Sounds logical to me. My dad said, "wow, I have had this healing all along, but me in my mere human brain didn't have the foresight to just claim it and walk in it. Instead I spent years wondering why God would want me in pain". You see God doesn't want any of us in pain, physically, mentally or emotionally. We are so hell bent determined to do things our way, and "make it work", that we forget that HE already paid the ultimate price for our redemption many, many years ago!
So back to dad. Picture this. His back locks up last week (before this bible study), and instead of crouching on the floor and laying there like he usually does, he began to pray and demand what is rightfully his. And low and behold...he stood straight up and walked away with 0, nada, zilch, NO BACK PAIN! Now picture this. He was so excited that he took off out of the house running like a wild psych patient screaming and flailing his arms that he was healed, and telling Satan that "I told you so". ahahahahahahahaha I would love to have been a neighbor on that street! You know they thought he had escaped from an asylum somewhere! =)
As my dad was telling this story I began to cry (yes again). This is so me. I always thought, "my dad doesn't really understand this. He keeps telling me to have faith and that he believes, but he isn't having to walk this out". WOW. He does understand! Having to lay hunched over your steering wheel to drive, and barely unable to sit for any extended amount of time, was his fertility problem. He was having to walk out the pain of his back, and the inability to do normal activities of daily living, and was still able to look at me and say "it's going to be okay. You are pregnant with a promise"...and he really does believe it! I didn't give my old man nearly enough credit!


I have been laying around still wondering when my turn is and begging God. Well lets just say I have my answer.
This is where you all come in. I am choosing to speak words of life and encouragement over my situation. I will no longer refer to myself as "infertile". I am not "infertile". And if you think I'm crazy, refer to the blog where the doctor told me that I defied all odds and somehow miraculously became normal after a year and a half, three ultrasounds and an hsg said that I wasn't normal! See God gave me a promise many months ago, then to top that off he sent me to a doctor that confirmed what he promised...and here I sit...begging and waiting for the miracle! OMG. This is the miracle! It hit me like a ton of bricks when I heard the big guy speak.
God: So Jessica...
Me: yup?
God: what else do you want, how about some writing on a wall?
Me: okay, okay.  I get it. again.
God: I GOT THIS.
Me: I sure am glad you are patient. (antoine dodson voice) OBVIOUSLY I is a little slow.
God: You aren't the only one. lol

So the moral of this story is...no baby...YET! It's my time for God's favor. I am laying hold of my promise instead of embracing a diagnosis that by most peoples standards, is hopeless.



Romans 5

Developing Patience
 1-2By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.  3-5There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! And that included babies!


See, no matter what you are living through, God has already thrown open a door. All you have to do is take one step toward Him, and He will run to you! I need Him. I still have moments where the devil on my shoulder says discouraging things. And sometimes I believe him.  I am choosing to believe the God of my promise. You all think I'm crazy...just wait! When I do get pregnant, I may just run through my neighborhood like a fool screaming and waving that God has finally come through for me! lolololol I love you dad!
He just can't give her/him up can he? Must be sweet!




P.S. Jaime just got over being sick as a dog, but managed to hike a volcano today! She texted me "the big girl lives"! lol. she is doing much better and looking forward to a fun-filled week ahead!

Jana is doing well and has found a hot little British specimen to salivate over while she studies the Bible! =)
I miss them both more than i ever thought possible, but am planning a European vaca for March! Yeah!!!!

Have a good week all, and remember to speak life over your circumstances and stop believing that devil on your shoulder.


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I guess God needed one more month with my angel!



 Well this week has been...let's just say "extremely estrogen- filled"! I don't know that I have ever in my life been more mad, sad, anxious, tired, wired, happy, excited, mad, mad, mad...did I mention mad, EVER! I took the Clomid days 3 thru 7 as instructed, and sat back while I got impregnated! Well obviously that didn't work out for me. As informed as I love to be about everything, taking fertility medications is not at the top of my list of "knows", at least it wasn't until now! While my doctor did an excellent job of giving me risks, benefits, side-effects blah, blah, blah, she failed to inform me that Clomid not only mimics pregnancy 100%, but also that it can/may prolong your cycle! So four days late, and about to seriously  hatch something, I found out the hard way! I was disappointed, but after months of negatives, one begins to get numb to the feeling after a while.  Shockingly I was so mad I could have spit fire, but not at God. I was mad at Steven. Okay, okay before anybody gets bent out of shape~ let me explain! I prayed to God many times before we found out "what the trouble was", that if either of us had an issue that He would let it be me! Boy was I delusional! I NEVER wanted him to have to feel the rejection and heartache of knowing that you can't give your spouse the one thing they want most in the world. I felt better equipped to deal with these issues and subsequently asked God to just let the "problem" be with me.  I have sense wondered why the heck He chose to listen to me that one Ambien-filled delusional night? REALLY DUDE? I take it back!
So back to the story, I found myself so mad that I was boiling with rage toward Steven. The kind of mad like I drug up every bad thing he has ever done (yes, all two  of them) and replayed them until I would have ripped his throat out with my pinky fingernail if he had been home. Sounds pretty sadistic hu? At the end of the weekend, and after having a lot of alone time to think (NEVER A GOOD IDEA FOR ME), I came to realize just how resentful I am of him. I want more than anything to give this to him. I want him to have to wear the scarlet letter for a while. See when I went on my "girls weekend, my sorted mistress came with me! I had to deal with it there. He left for his guys weekend, and I was left alone, fat, hormonal, bloated, weepy, exhausted, broken, anxious and again, the bane of my existence reared her ugly head. See, no matter what I do, I don't get to escape this. And no matter what I do, he gets reprieve. And that is enough to make a grown woman CRAZY WITH A CAPITAL CR. I realize that, that is not fair. I know there is nothing in the world that he can do. I also know that if he could take this he would. But he can't. So as usual...that leaves me. AND God.






Sometimes that is a volatile combo.









I was at work today and happened upon an ultrasound being read. I approached the screen and took a gander. Clearly not an ultrastonographer (since I thought i was looking at a gallbladder) I inquired about what was on the screen. The pa informed me that it was a 4 week old baby! It seriously looked like an ant! Nothing but a yolk sac and an ant. Having no idea what was happening, you can imagine my surprise at the tsunami of emotions that welled up inside my heart. That may possibly have been the SWEETEST thing I have ever laid my eyes on! I sat there and looked at it like It was a 22 oz Coke on a hot summer day! Almost salivating. I thought to myself...self? How can a person be so in love with an ant? It has no face or eyes. No ears or nose. No personality or feelings. Yet I watched it in utter amazement, like it solved world hunger! I thought, how much can you love something, you don't even know. Yet every single fiber of my being jumped at the thought of how it would feel! The most amazing love and commitment that I will ever know!



And then it hit me. I have to walk this out. Me. Now don't get me wrong. I am taking absolutely no credit away from my angelic husband. He has to put up with the train wreck that is Jessica these days. That in and of itself is heroic. I give him all the credit in the world for being supportive, and of course just plain SEXY! But again, he will never understand how it really feels to walk this out, for me. I have to carry the majority of this burden...

BUT...


I get to reap the reward of that sweet ant that poses as a leech for 9 months, sucking the sustenance and life out of me! I get to encounter the sweet bond that is, falling in love with something so tiny and seemingly insignificant. I get to feel that overwhelming love that ONLY a mother gets to have for her child. I get to grow, aid, and abed this little life for 9 whole months, all to myself! And while of course Steven will be smitten, he will never get to be mommy!



My sweet ant will never have to do a thing to earn my love. I love it already, and I haven't even conceived it yet. I am smitten with just the idea of it! Just the same, no one has to earn God's love.  No one has to jump through hoops to earn His acceptance.  No one has to crawl on his hands and knees to compensate for past sins.  No one has to do such things because God already loves us.  He has shown His love for us by the sacrifice of His son. It is beyond me how the very thing that I am working so hard to get, he willingly handed to us. No questions asked. WOW! How much must He love and care for his children? This whole concept is so far beyond my earthly comprehension, and yet I get it! And I moan constantly and threaten to remind my little ant daily what I went through to get them here! I have no idea what true sacrifice really is, and neither do you! Thank God for His amazing love, and never ending grace. I may have needed an extension on never-ending this week! 

So for now, I can have normal coitus...purely for fun! That doesn't happen much around these parts lately. No pressure. Just fun. For 3 whole days. Then I start this whole dreadful process again. At least I know what to expect this go'round. I can't say that I have behaved with a demur, ladylike attitude. I have to confess...I cussed a lot this past week. Mostly in my mind, but God reminds me frequently "UM, I CAN STILL HEAR THAT JESSICA"! I have to request forgiveness from my sweet husband and any innocent old person that was driving slow in the left lane...again.  Like the old song goes "I will survive"! I have to go on, pregnant with a promise! 

I'm going to have an ant one day and guess what? It's going to be a "FIRE ANT"!  I know just what they will wear home!


No but thanks for asking!






Thursday, September 22, 2011

update! I visited my eggs!

So I visited my eggs last Monday and it appears that there are 4 follicles! Any one of them or (oh lawd) all 4 could become a little Elliott! I am completely MEDICALLY cleared! The meds are working great and I will call her in 3 mths or...WITH A POSITIVE test!!! I told her that I hoped the next time she was in my vagina, somebody would wave! =} Yes, she thinks I'm nuts!








Now I'm in the dreaded 2ww. Ugggggg. The longest two weeks of your life...I would like to sound confident, but I don't much feel that at all. My thoughts teeter from minute to minute. Some minutes I am happy and excited, and some minutes I wonder how much longer I can torture myself with this. More often than I would like to admit, I think about quitting. Now that we have been trying, I cant imagine failing.  That inability to imagine failure as an option makes the failure every month increasingly difficult to deal with.  As most of you know, I don't like to fail...at anything. I may not be the smartest or richest person in the world, but I dang sure got some perseverance! I am NOT a quitter. I’m currently vacillating between anger because I alone cannot beat my infertility issues and my stupid body is too stupid to do what it’s supposed to do and deep, unyielding sadness over the baby that hasn't shown his sweet presence yet! Wow.


And then came a sweet, tender reminder (he's not always loud and booming, although God can be annoying and persistent! Ha like father, like daughter) of this story. I went back and read it and this was a great version!

God delights in turning misfortune to good fortune, calamty into blessing and great need into abundance! In 1 Samuel 1 we read the account of a woman named Hannah. Although she and her husband had been married for many years, she remained childless. Her inability to bear a child was a source of “great anguish and grief” to her. Not only did she personally long to hold and nurture her own child, but her rival cruelly mocked and taunted her because she couldn’t .One year, while Hannah and her husband were worshiping at Shiloh, Hannah prayed a to God again begging him to give her a son. It’s striking that she specifically asked for a son. Furthermore, she promised that she would devote this son to the Lord and His service all his life. Meanwhile, Eli the priest saw her praying and told her,  And just a “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.” (1 Samuel 1:17)When Hannah left that day, she was no longer down-cast, but trusted that God was going to work on her behalf. A short time later, she became pregnant. When her child was born she named him Samuel. Hannah named him Samuel (meaning, “heard of God”) as a reminder that he was an answer to prayer from God.

Samuel went on to be a great judge, prophet and leader of Israel. He was a man who always followed and obeyed God and led Israel to do the same. Through his example and influence Samuel led Israel into righteous living through deeper relationship with God. What a tribute to God’s love and faithfulness to Hannah (and all Israel), and to me!

I am convinced that this will be the greatest hurdle of my life and one through which God may be glorified. Continue to pray to for us and and watch what He does to glorify Himself and bring great blessing to Steven and me, and to others through us!

I'LL TAKE HIM STRAIGHT OUT OF THE HANDS OF GOD! I'M NOT SCURD.


Physically, I feel like I have had PMS for 4 solid weeks now! PMS x 30! I'm like a caged tiger just waiting to pounce on the first person to ride my nerves. Unfortunately for my sweet husband, he is usually the rider. Bless his little heart, I AM A DEMON. I don't mean I have my moments, I mean EVERY MOMENT IS MY MOMENT. You should really concentrate on praying for him, because he just looks at me most of the time like "what in the H*** have I gotten myself into"?  I cannot help it. I am trying to be sweet but sometimes him chewing gets on my nerves. He breathes to loud, and that gets on my nerves. He leaves the room because he can't do anything right, and I cry. Then I get mad because he made me cry. lololol Fun times!

 So much for timed coitus!

My calendar tells me every single step my body will take and when...by color, time, date and every symptom known to mankind...


























 Steven's calendar tells him...well...





Anyway I will try to update soon. I have been physically busy as a bee, and I try not to blog when Im a train wreck, because...well it wouldn't be good!

Hope you all have a blessed week!






Sunday, September 11, 2011

I'm pretty sure God isn't Bipolar.

I have heard a lot of things about God over my 26 years here on earth (okay almost 3 flippin 4 years), however I have not heard that God was bipolar yet. Well, I think He isn't anyway. I have one sister that is praying that I will not get pregnant until December, so she will be home for the arrival for our sweet bundle of joy. I have another sister that is praying I'll get knocked up NOW, before she leaves for her trip. I have parents that are praying that I will just get knocked up. I'm praying that I will get knocked up before the surprise 50th b day party somebody better be planning me. My friends are praying that I get knocked up soon so I will stop driving them insane. My grandparents are praying that I'll get knocked up with twins. And...Steven is praying it will take two more years because it guarantees him LOTS of timed coitus! lol. (just kidding). I assured him as soon as I get sperminated, that will be out the window!
So my question is, God cannot possibly make us all happy, without being bipolar, right?  So if it goes that He answers one of our prayers above the others, then how does he decide. And does He always answer our prayers? This is what i came up with...

Of course God answers prayers, we all grant that He does answer prayer -- some prayers, and sometimes. But does He always answer true prayer. Some so-called prayers He does not answer, because He does not hear them. When His people were rebellious, He said, "When ye make many prayers, I will not hear" (Isa. 1:15). I know what you are thinking, Jessica Rebellious? It's hard to believe but it does happen occasionally.  I believe that if you are a Christian, then you should expect an answer. Now, that being said...you may not, and often times will not like the answer you get. Usually, I don't! ." When I claim that no true prayer goes unanswered I am not claiming that God always gives just what we ask for. Clearly that is not the case or I would have a tribe of kids right now!  Think of it like this. Would you let your child play in the street, just because he wanted to? Even though you know that, that street is a major highway and the child will most likely get run over, do you let them do it anyway? UH I HOPE NOT (even though my dad told us repeatedly growing up to go play in the street lolol). I think the same thing is applicable with God. As much as He wants us to like Him, and He wants to play "good cop", He is smarter and wiser than we are and more importantly, He knows our futures. If God let us all have our ways, then we would have absolutely NO need for Him. What would be the point?
God's answer to prayer may be "Yes," or it may be "No." It may be "Wait," for it may be that He plans a much larger blessing than we imagined, and one which involves other lives as well as our own. I would rather Him call me to Africa, than to ask me to have patience. OH GOD NO. I hate waiting. I hate resting. I hate well...not being in control. eeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Yes I said it. I cannot stand feeling out of control. WWOOOOOWWW. I have one nerve left, and God is riding the daylights out of it right now. He is literally bull-whipping me into a place of REST. Because He hates me? Uh, no. I'm His favorite, duh? Because He loves me and he knows what is best for me and my twins (girl and a boy please big guy, oh and an immediate hysterectomy also. sign me up.)
God's answer is sometimes "Wait." He may delay the answer because we are not yet fit to receive the gift we crave -- as with wrestling Jacob. Do you remember the famous prayer of Augustine -- "O God, make me pure, but not now"? Are not our prayers sometimes like that? Are we always really willing to "drink the cup" -- to pay the price of answered prayer? Sometimes He delays so that greater glory may be brought to Himself. Ouch, that is me I'm beferrin to!

God's delays do not necessarily mean they are denials. We do not know why He sometimes delays the answer and at other times answers "before we call" (Isa. 65:24). Rest assured that He is not sitting up there on a big thrown thinking "hum, How can I annoy Jessica today? let me see. hum. I could clang the cereal bowl like Steven does and I knooooooow how much that annoys her, or lets see I could, oh i don't know, make her infertile. YEA, that's it. Ill make her suffer. Now come on people. This dude has way bigger things to worry about. He is not sitting around plotting how to make me miserable. He doesn't need to do that, Satan does a fine job. 
I frequently ask God, what about all these teenagers that get pregnant non-stop. Why are they fit for this and I am not. The answer I finally got was (very loud booming voice) You cannot judge their circumstance by YOUR standard. But what you can do is deal with me on your life, and against MY standard and I GOT THIS.  Uh. okay. Since you put it like that... (rolling my eyes)...
So the moral of this story? God is not bipolar. He does not wait with an infertility gun to shoot people that annoy him. Believe me, I would be numero uno on that list! He is simply trying to get my attention. All that HE wants is relationship. With me, with you, with every human being. The bible says that if we won't worship, He will cause the rocks to cry out. It's really that simple! This was His ORIGINAL INTENT (Floyd, 2011) LOL.


That being said, this is the every day struggle of being baby-less...


 I watch my husband playing with my friend's babies and wish I could give him one of his own.

Sometimes I want to avoid people that I haven't seen for a long time because I don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?".

Feeling very left out when my friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.

Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for me. (lol or just 17 of my nearest and dearest =))

Getting tired of people always saying  "you don't have any kids to worry about".

Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing I could hear a baby crying.

Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren, and your siblings a niece or nephew.

Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" Easy, right?

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...TIMED COITUS! LOTS OF IT. I FEEL LIKE A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT! 

NOPE. STILL NOT PREGNANT YET!


 I hope He hears my sweet prayers...

Dear sweet 8 lb 6 oz baby Jesus,

P-leaseeeee help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself, and I really do mean that! Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I want to give this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing. (even though I am rolling my eyes =)) Dude, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me enjoy the sweet babies You place in my path and always know that ...I CAN SEND THEIR BAD A**ES HOME! AHAHAHAHAHA

AMEN!