Friday, January 13, 2012

I don't want to live my life with an Ishmael, when I deserve and am destined for an Isaac!

Well hope everybody had a great holiday season! I know I did! It was not nearly as hard as I anticipated it would be. It's been a while since I blogged, partially because I have been ridiculously busy, and partially because I just haven't felt like dealing with this. As most of you  know, I have the IUI done in December. Obviously that didn't work out for me. I finished 5 months of Clomid before I made an executive decision...TO QUIT! I went to Bible talk one night and my dad was talking about something totally unrelated to this, but in my ADD moment I started to flip through the Bible. I went to the story of Abraham and Sarah. All at once I had my own little epiphany!

God had a plan for Sarah. His plan was for her to stay out of His plan, and let Him do what He does God. Well Sarah had her own idea. I'll relay how I think the story must have gone.
Sarah: I think I'll help God out a little bit. I am having trouble having a baby so I think I'll get ol Abe a concubine and have her carry my chosen baby.
God: Do it my way. I have a plan Sarah. All you have to do is sit back and have faith.
Sarah: naw I think I should help.
Abe: huh, huh. duh? yeah Sarah, this sounds like an awesome idea.
God: Not so much. Leave it alone. I got this.

So Sarah proceeds to get her hubby another baby momma. Abraham listened to God and decided to move His family away from evil, with the promise of an inheritance. Moving is no fun, particularly when your moving van is a camel or a donkey, and especially when you don’t even know where you are going!  That is probably harder on a woman than it is on a man. Sarah is not mentioned in that verse, but her faith is there, every bit as steadfast as Abraham’s. She believed that God would sustain her through the arduous journey and show her husband the place he had chosen for them. Sarah was an intelligent and capable woman. But when she married Abraham she made a decision. She established as her mission in life the task of helping her husband fulfill God’s purposes for him.  I do not believe that Sarah did this with a spiteful or manipulative heart.
The next great strain on their faith is revealed in this statement: “Now Sarai, Abram’s wife had borne him no children” (Gen. 16:1). God was soon to change Abram’s name to Abraham, from “exalted father” to “father of a multitude.” How could Abraham be the father of a multitude when he had no son? duh? Now it was Sarah’s turn to devise a clever human scheme. (Enter Jessica conniving here). She offered her Egyptian slave girl, Hagar, so that Abraham might have a son by her. (No I'm not desperate enough to get Steven a hooker!) I must admit that her suggestion revealed her belief that God would keep His word and give Abraham a son. It was obviously motivated by her love for Abraham and her desire for him to have that son. I know this feeling of desperation well. And at the time, sharing her husband with another woman would have been one of the most sacrificial things she could do. But it was not God’s way. It was another fleshly solution. And God’s ways are always best even when He is withholding what we think we need at the moment (ouch). I have had no evil intent in this either, however my intent is just intent...not His intent.
This impulsive sin had its effect on the relationship between Abraham and Sarah. Hagar got pregnant and eventually became proud and unmanageable. Sarah blamed Abraham for the whole problem when it was actually her own idea. Then she took it out on Hagar, and her unkindness exposed the bitterness and resentment in her soul. Meanwhile, Abraham shirked his duty. He should have said “No” to Sarah’s sinful scheme in the first place. But now he told her to handle the problem herself, to do whatever she wanted to do, but to stop badgering him about it(Steven, lol).

You see even great men and women of faith have their moments of faithlessness (or days, or weeks). And no such moment was worse for Abraham and Sarah than when they laughed at God. They both did it. God told Abraham he would bless Sarah and make her a mother of nations. Kings of peoples would come from her. Abraham fell on his face and laughed, and said, “Will a child be born to a man one hundred years old? And will Sarah, who is ninety years old, bear a child?” (Gen. 17:17). Abraham tried to get God to accept Ishmael as his heir, but God said, “No, but Sarah your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name Isaac; and I will establish My covenant with him for an everlasting covenant for his descendants after him” (Gen. 17:19).
Sarah’s turn was next. The Lord appeared to Abraham in the person of a visitor to his tent, and Sarah overheard him say, “I will surely return to you at this time next year; and behold, Sarah your wife shall have a son” (Gen. 18:10). She was listening at the tent door and laughed to herself, saying, “After I have become old, shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?” (Gen. 18:12). 
“Is anything too difficult for the Lord?” (Gen. 18:13, 14). That poignant challenge pierced their faltering hearts, and faith was rekindled, strong and steadfast. There was that brief setback in Gerar (Gen. 20:1-8). But basically things were different from that moment on.

I said all of that to say...that was my moment. At Bible study that night. The last 19 months have consisted of me laughing at God. What an ass I am! lol. Really? I either believe, or I don't. My friends, I do believe. Who am I that I would laugh at God? That's dumb. Real dumb.Wow! I'm a little ballsier than I thought. I don't want to live my life with an Ishmael, when I deserve and am destined for an Isaac! 
So in spite of the fact that I had the money to do two more IUI's, I have chosen not to. Instead I am going to Europe to visit my sister...and REST. Take my seat of rest in MY FATHER! I quit taking all of the drugs, and subsequently I have felt more peace than I have in almost two years. I still have my yesterday! I get rowdy with God and show Him my attitude problem. He's well aware that I am strong willed and I "just want to help", but He is not participating with my plan. I often have wondered, how many years sooner may God have hand delivered Isaac, if Sarah had obeyed and listened and quit "trying to help" Him. Did she delay her destiny with her scheming?
I don't want to prolong, delay or mess up my destiny, and the destiny of my precious baby. He or she has a set time and a set place to show up here. God has set times and He is never late (unlike me). I don't want to have the kind of faith that only believes when things are going my way. This journey began unexpectedly, and in the meantime, look what I have become! (Not that I wasn't great before that lolol =)). This baby, MY baby, has a sweet destiny and a sweet call. I refuse to settle for anything less than a God ordained Isaac~!

If I have repeated it once, I have repeated it a thousand times this week. 

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Hope, a future and a baby!

I wish I had a magic cure that would make me feel better, but my instincts tell me that having a baby under normal circumstances wouldn't even do the trick.


I'll keep updating as I can but in the meantime when you see my derogatory facebook comments or I'm having a "moment", please find a scripture to remind me that He wants the best for me! I need encouragement more than the next girl! 

p.s. This hoe was 90 years old and abe was 100! WHAAAA? Surely if God can dust that old thing off and use it, I'm good to go! ahahahahaha

The name Isaac comes from the word "Yitzhak" (also Yitzchaq) in Hebrew, which means "Laughing One", "laughter" or "to laugh".  How appropriate is that for me?  Isaac has one meaning as given by GOD HIMSELF to Abraham in Genesis.  It means ''child of the covenant'' or ''child of the promise''. God cannot give the name of His promised child ''laughter'' because this has spiritual significance. God values names very much. *Genesis17:19- And God said, Sarah thy wife shall bear thee a son indeed; and thou shalt call his name Isaac: and I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his seed after him.
I think I'll let God name my boy! =)