Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Should I "help" the big guy along here?!

So what had happened was... I have been wrestling for months now with the never ending question...to clomid, or not to clomid? The doctors have been suggesting fertility drugs since about month 6. I am now in month 14! I have questioned God many, many times and doggonit he would not answer me to save my life. I swear, I know God is a man because he has very selective hearing. So in my mind the big question for Him has been "if I take the drugs, does that negate the whole point?" If you want to do a miracle then, hey, I'm game. I am a fan of attention myself (as most of u have encountered at one time or another)! But if I take the drugs and get pregnant, then will people assume that God had no real part in this at all? I need to comply so He can have the glory, right? He did tell me that ahhhhhem, it wasn't about me ahemmmmm. If I suffer a little while longer, then people will know a true miracle happened!


So I got the meds filled last week, and they have been staring me in the face. They grew eyes and have taunted me day in and day out. I'm pretty sure Satan himself entered the clomid box.


I got my friend 2 days ago so tomorrow is the "Magic" day I am supposed to start them. Now, as most of u know, I am a proponent of drugs. The legal ones anyway. Diet pills, check. Sleeping pills, check. Mood stabilizers, check. And if they made a drama reducer pill I would buy a lifetime supply, and stock in the company (if I could beat Steven to it). So the medication in and of itself, is no issue. It's the principle behind it.


Well tonight I was frying in the tanning bed (the melanin is great for infertile people. I made that up but it sounded good) anyway when God axed me several questions. The convo went something like this...
God: Jessica?
Me: Yes God?
God: let me ask u a few things
Me: (having no idea where this was going, in fact I was trying to relax) okay shoot. I'm pretty sure I have the answers (lol)
God: have u slung any stars in the sky with your hand?
Me: (still clueless as to where he was headed) uh no. Not today. I've been busy!
God: well dear, have u fed 5000 people on a loaf of bread and some fish?
Me: I don't fish. I can't be quiet long enough, nor can I sit still.
God: how about water? Have u walked on water lately?
Me: (now starting to catch on), God??? I barely walked up the stairs to the gym without going into respiratory distress...I'm pretty sure walking on water is out of the question.
God: then DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF!
Me: RUDE. (with my lip turned up) flatter myself about what? What did I do now?
God: let me Ask u something else. (oh no)
Me: NO, I'm fresh out of miracles today. I didn't perform any. Not one.
God: that wasn't the question. (oops) You wanna know why I am God and u r not?
Me: here we go again...patronizing voice with attitude, because your God and I'm not. yeah, yeah, I got that.
God: Oh you got that hu? Then why in the world would you presume that anything u do or take is going to effect me either way






Uh






Well





I don't know? I was trying to help u out dude.




God: um thanks, but as I said before...I got this.


Take the drugs.





Me: WHAT? I got the answer I wanted? This must be the devil posing in a God voice, because RARELY do I get the answer I want. It's always you trying to teach me some lesson, or patience or some kinda crap like that. You mean you see this one my way? Really? Really I'm happy God but did u have to wait until 9 hours before my first dose to tell me? I've been requesting an answer for months now.


God: You know Jessica, u are bossy. Will u please not harass me? U don't need to know everything.


Me: so I've been told. And I probably won't leave you alone. Please don't tell Steven he's right. I'll give up coke if you keep that one to yourself! Ohhhhhhhh.


God: TAKE THE MEDICINE. I don't need u to rally a team of people to believe I had a hand in this. I'm pretty sure I got that too. I am who I say I am, and I can and I will do, what I said I will do...and for the record...I am a solo act!
Me: ahahahahahaha yeah, I got that!


God: Now quit frying your skin! Ahahahahahahahaha.




So that was that. A weight immediately lifted off of my shoulders. I don't know if the clomid is my answer or not. At this point, it is really inconsequential. All I do know is that if he chooses to use the meds to help me...then great...and if not. I got His number...and I will harass Him A LOT!


And HE'S GOT THIS!


P.s. I recount these stories just like they happen. I am just that sarcastic to Him, and he hands it right back to me! Good thing He has a great sense of humor!


P.S.S. The stats show that 10% of women on clomid have multiples. That number doubles when "normal" women take clomid


THAT ADDITION MAKES 20% FOR ME. OH LAWWWWWWWWWWD.




Tuesday, August 30, 2011

INFERTILITY ETIQUETTE. IS THERE SUCH A THING?

So I am in the excruciating 2ww (two week wait) right now.  Actually, to be honest I am expecting my friend tomorrow...and she is coming...UNFORTUNATELY!  I was pondering how hard this is for me and it inspired me to make a consolidated list of "do's and don'ts of infertile. Having to explain your fertility status to everybody in your life can be humiliating, (DUH? That's why I blast every minute detail on the Internet). I am one of the few that find it cathartic to entertain the world with my woes. As crazy as I am, I couldn't help but cry while writing this, because it is so true.  I drew several conclusions, the first of which is that I'm pretty sure my infertility is George Bush Jrs fault. (lol) No really, here is my take on how to delicately deal with this painful and "sore" subject (again cracking myself up). So for those of you wondering what to say, or how to handle a person that is dealing with infertility, here it is in black and white (or purple)! Read on!

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, the majority of people are very uncomfortable with the subject. It has been my experience that people get awkward, and stumble to try to find the words to say, when you explain your predicament. 
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, they aren't coming back. Unless you are delusional or a witch, there is no hope that they will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know.=( They grieve the loss of that baby that may have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple AGAIN. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right as it starts to heal.

The effects are far reaching. The experience takes on a mind of it's own. The fun of sex goes out the window and "BABY  MAKIN" is in full force. It becomes organized and methodical. For me personally, it became an acrobatics act and I was the contortionist. I finagled my body into positions I never knew I could perform to try to kick those swimmers into high gear! WELL OBVIOUSLY that didn't work!
Reaching some kind of resolution can take years, so us infertile peeps need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes you want to punch them in the face cry . Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support to us "special people"! 
Please, for the love of God and all things holy...DO NOT TELL THEM TO RELAX!
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress , particularly  for the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. Don't you think that we have tried to relax? There is NOTHING relaxing about this whole journey. While I understand that relaxing for the male is much easier, my thoughts went something like this..."JUST RELAX? YEAH RIGHT". It is impossible to relax when you are constantly bombarded with this, like it or not.  Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." it does not help validate that there is a real problem and they have real feelings. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is very painful. When you are constantly surrounded by families with children, it is hard to watch your friends give birth to two or three children, and watch those children grow while we go home to the silence of an empty house. 
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer us comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards (unless you are a complete idiot that is). Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? To the person experiencing this, I can tell you that is the WORST thing. To me, my sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility is my worst nightmare. 
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead (again, unless you want the taste slapped out of your mouth)". Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility. 
What you should do is offer kind words of encouragement. Be legitimate. Don't try to BS your way through a speech about your neighbor. Instead, be honest. If you don't know what to say, say that. I appreciate all of the kind words that people say, but more than that, I appreciate the candid, honest people that simply say "I have no idea what that must feel like, but I'm sorry and I'll pray for you". That works for me! Also, don't offer me your sperm (J. Davis) LOL. I don't want anymore sperm! ahahahahaha.I'm trying to quit.  
So to recap. You are pretty much screwed no matter what you say, but be sensitive anyway. WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? (probably not say the word screwed, but you get the point)
I Love all of y'all. And one of these days, I'm going to blog about how much I love parenting the perfect child, because we all know...that my baby will be a perfect angel!!!!!! (He will get that from me)!







Thursday, August 25, 2011

If you are wondering what has happened to me...JOIN THE CLUB...

        I am sitting here right now, wondering what has happened to me. If you are wondering, then join the club. The only explanation is that God finally got my attention. I needed a miracle. I'm demanding like that. Even as a child my mom and dad will tell you, I had to be browbeaten to really get it. I am stubborn and independent. These traits are not innately bad, but can be a big hindrance in trying to get through to me sometimes. I began telling God what was on my mind this morning so I'll let you in on the convo...
Me: Good morning God. Listen, we need to chat. People are going to think I'm a total nut job. I'm sure they already do. Bad enough that I'm talking to my "imaginary friend" but He is now talking back! What gives?
God: (again using scripture against me again)...Jessica...
"But people who aren't spiritual can't receive these truths from God's Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can't understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means".(1 cor 2:14)
Me: wow. it sure is early for all that!
God: May I also remind you of John 15:18
“If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you". So don't take it personally.
Me: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY? UH, I CAN'T HELP IT. I TAKE IT PERSONALLY EITHER WAY.
God: (wow, again using scripture. He didn't utter a word outside of scripture) 1 Peter 3:16
"Having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame".
Me: okay so what your saying is that my weird behavior will be vindicated in the end. I should just continue to forgive and forget, love with reckless abandon, give to my community and to my friends and family and forget all the naysayers?
God: YES. YOU ARE STARTING TO GET THIS WHOLE "I'M IN CHARGE LISTEN TO ME" THING. YOU GO GIRL~ (LOL)

So here's the deal, I'm forgiving and forgetting.

I'm loving with reckless abandon...because He LOVED ME THIS MUCH...It is the least I could do...


and giving back as much as I am told...






And I'm not worrying for one second what anybody else thinks about it! After all, my dad isn't worried!
 Crackin myself up again~




GOD TOLD ME TO! =)

XOXO

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Jotta A.-Agnus Dei - Programa Raul Gil



I want to adopt him!!!!!!!!!!!

Israel Houghton | Moving Forward & Every Prayer feat. Mary Mary



Wow. This song totally describes my life right now.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Rest? Seriously? I don't do rest.

So I kinda had a little (okay large) argument with God. Yes, yes, I argue with God. Why wouldn't I? I argue with everybody else and He is no exception. Pretty (how do you say ballsy without saying that word) hu? Yeah, I'm well aware. He obliges me though. So this is how the argument started. My dad has been DRILLING the subject of "rest" to us in Bible study. He has been teaching us that God desires us to sit back and find our place of "rest" in Him. That sounds **FANTASTIC** doesn't it? WOW, that's it, you might say? Yeah, that's it. Well...I of course, as most of you know, do not like rest. I don't sleep well. I am anxious. I need constant entertainment and if I am not stimulated, I end up in trouble. Ask Jaime. I have had many, many, many very BRIGHT stupid ideas solely based out of boredom. So my argument went something like this...
God: So hows that do it yourself thing working out for ya?
Me: (cutting my eyes upward and raising my attitude lip at Him), um not so well.
God: you wanna relax yet?
Me: NO.
God: Hi Jessica. I'm God. I will be taking care of your problems today, and I DO NOT need your help! So relax and rest.
Me: REST? REALLY? REST? HAVE YOU BEEN INFERTILE LATELY? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE? I DON'T GET IT. I HAVE A 5 YEAR PLAN AND YOU ARE NOT PARTICIPATING VERY WELL. I SHOULD REMIND YOU THAT I AM 33 YEARS OLD DUDE. AT 35 I AM CONSIDERED HIGH RISK. THEN WHAT IF I'M PUSHING A STROLLER AND A WALKER? WHAT THEN? I DON'T WANT TO SET A WORLD RECORD FOR GERIATRIC OB PATIENT. SO CAN WE BARGIN OR SOMETHING? I'LL NEVER CUSS AGAIN. I'LL EVEN LET STEVEN BE "THE BOSS". REALLY GOD? REALLY?

I DON'T DO REST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


SILENCE




UH OH. I'VE DONE IT NOW...WAITING ON THE JESSICA LYN...

Me: But God (whining) I don't like to rest. That is not entertaining. I want BIG, I want GRAND, I want a flippin BABY. I WANT, I WANT, I WANT....

and then it happened...

GOD: (very loud booming voice)...(not really but it sounds better)...

Well, contrary to what you think, I don't care what you want right now.

ME: WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT? WELL OBVIOUSLY (ANTOINE DODSON VOICE).
OMG I'M SULKING NOW.
Me: What do you mean you don't care? What about all that "He will grant you the desires of your heart" crap?
GOD: Wow! Do you really want the control that bad?
Me: uh yeah, kinda.
GOD: NOT gonna happen. You will have killed yourself and single handedly demolished several nations by the end of the week.
Me: I wouldn't be that bad.
God: (using my dad's message against me. double whammy. Both fathers are right, as usual)...You wanna know why you aren't God?
Me: YEAH, WHY?
GOD: BECAUSE I AM GOD, AND YOU ARE NOT! (HE PULLED THE OL BECAUSE I'M THE FATHER AND I SAID SO. REALLY? LOLOL)
GOD: Let me remind you of something (I know it's lengthy but it's so worth it)

1-6 If you listen obediently to the Voice of God, your God, and heartily obey all his commandments that I command you today, God, your God, will place you on high, high above all the nations of the world. All these blessings will come down on you and spread out beyond you because you have responded to the Voice of God, your God:

God's blessing inside the city,
God's blessing in the country;
God's blessing on your children,
the crops of your land,
the young of your livestock,
the calves of your herds,
the lambs of your flocks.
God's blessing on your basket and bread bowl;
God's blessing in your coming in,
God's blessing in your going out.

7 God will defeat your enemies who attack you. They'll come at you on one road and run away on seven roads.

8 God will order a blessing on your barns and workplaces; he'll bless you in the land that God, your God, is giving you.

9 God will form you as a people holy to him, just as he promised you, if you keep the commandments of God, your God, and live the way he has shown you.

10 All the peoples on Earth will see you living under the Name of God and hold you in respectful awe.

11-14 God will lavish you with good things: children from your womb, offspring from your animals, and crops from your land, the land that God promised your ancestors that he would give you. God will throw open the doors of his sky vaults and pour rain on your land on schedule and bless the work you take in hand. You will lend to many nations but you yourself won't have to take out a loan. God will make you the head, not the tail; you'll always be the top dog, never the bottom dog, as you obediently listen to and diligently keep the commands of God, your God, that I am commanding you today. Don't swerve an inch to the right or left from the words that I command you today by going off following and worshiping other gods.

Me: ALRIGHTY THEN. I got it. So what your saying is that I still get to be the TOP DOG?
God: Yep.
Me: So why then. What is the point in all this infertility stuff? Could you throw this "TOP DOG" a bone? (crackin myself up. not sure that He was that thrilled, but I thought it was hilarious)
God: Exodus 9:16
But for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth.
ME: quiet.
Me: still quiet.
Me: Okay. I get it. You are trying to make an example out of me?
God: Yes, actually I am.
Me: Couldn't you have picked something else?
God: NO. This is the one thing you NEED me for. The one thing you could not fix, or mend, or manipulate (ug really? as if this beating wasn't bad enough he had to throw in the "m" word) by yourself.
Me: ur right.
God: Yes thank you for your affirmation. I usually am!

So I guess the conclusion is...Thank Heavens, HE is God, and I am NOT! I think He's got this!

The thing is...He is not just holding and comforting my baby, He's holding and comforting me too!


What an AWESOME FELLA!

XOXO





Monday, August 22, 2011

I FIGURED OUT HOW TO TRAIN YOUR HUSBAND TO CLEAN AND DO LAUNDRY!

Okay not really, but I did re-vamp this cute little desk! I collected this cute thang at the last yard sale we had...it belonged to somebody else and I took it!

It started off being a little old school, something like this...

IMAG1937

So I sanded, and primed it! (Two coats)
Like this
IMAG1957

Painted it Moss green
IMAG1960

And then of course I added some flare! I have been dying to do something with Chevron lines so this was the perfect thing to try! So I taped it off with painters tape~
IMAG1961

Added a GHETTO drop cloth, thrifty hu?
IMAG1963

Added some cute knobs from World Market
IMAG1964

AND VIOLA!!!!!! I MAY NOT LEARN MUCH, BUT I'LL BE STUDYING IN SYTLE~

IMAG1966

Thursday, August 18, 2011

It's a MIRACLE!!!!! And I'm STILL NOT PREGNANT!

READER BEWARE: THIS BLOG CONTAINS GRAPHIC INFORMATION AND A MIRACLE SO IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO EITHER ONE...STOP READING NOW!

I am sobbing as I write this. Partially because I am elated and partially because I am stunned. So today was my yearly "girlie exam". This exam was routine, but I was also scheduled to discuss my infertility. Let me start with a little bit of background information. My doctor suggested Clomid months ago. I have been to three different doctors in the past year and a half. I didn't choose two of them for various reasons. The third one was my original obgyn. I left her to begin with because I work at Conway and she doesn't have delivery privileges there so I only cheated on her for insurance purposes. BIG mistake. I won't do that again! Anyway, after both doctors did ultrasounds independently of one another, and I had an HSG (my fallopian tubes blown out), the diagnosis was conclusive...PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, a hemmoragic cyst, and a bicornuate vs septal uterus. Without boring you with the details, one doctor simply looked at me and said "you getting pregnant naturally will be like finding a needle in a haystack so get ready". WOW! Not exactly what I had in mind (I should also mention that I have been on NO meds to fix any of this thus far)! Needless to say a mental breakdown ensued.
Okay so back to today, I will recount this story as best I can through a computer. The conversation went something like this...
Me: I am still bleeding erratically, but I think I ovulated this month. I felt it on the right side. I'm not convinced that there is anything wrong with my ovulation. My husband and I have faith and are believing for a baby. I know that may sound crazy, but I don't care! I have been called worse...so I don't know where to go from here. I know that medically you are going to suggest drugs, and I'm not necessarily opposed to that, but what is your professional opinion, keeping my moral and ethical dilemma in mind.
Dr G: Okay Jessica. I am a believer myself, but as your doctor, I am telling you that it is is highly unlikely that you are ovulating. I know that you feel things that may feel like ovulation, but your mind can play tricks on you. We can be as aggressive as you want, or take this as slow as you want, but I am telling you...you need the drugs. You are clinically INFERTILE. I would like to ultrasound your ovaries right now to see if you ovulated and the eggs are mature.
Me: Okay doc, whatever you say.
Dr G: I WOULD BANK MY MONEY ON THE FACT THAT YOU ARE NOT OVULATING PROPERLY OR NOT AT ALL. I know this is hard but you have to accept it. Now, lets get moving on getting you pregnant.
ME: Well okay, I'm not getting any younger or any more patient sitting here.

So fast-forward two hours to my ultrasound...

US tech: Hi Jessica. Dr G wants me to take a look at your ovaries. What am I looking for?
Me: Well I have PCOS, a bicornuate uterus (which for those of you who don't know means I have two uteruses. Yeah, I'm not joking. I had three different tests to prove it) and she doesn't think i'm ovulating at all. So you are looking to tell me I need drugs!
US tech (with probe in the you know where): okay, really? Who told you this?
Me: Uh 2 different doctors and several different tests.
US tech (wand out of the who ha): I'm going to talk to doctor G. I'll be back. You just sit right here.
Me: GOOGLE THE ONCOLOGIST. I HAVE OVARIAN CANCER, I JUST KNOW IT. OH GOD I HAVEN'T UPDATED MY LIVING WILL AND POWER OF ATTNY. HOLY CRAP WHY DID SHE JUST LEAVE SO ABRUPTLY AND WHAT IS WRONG???
US tech: Okay well I spoke to Dr G and she wants to see you in her office. (Revert back to high school or, who am I kidding...a few weeks ago at work) when I get called to the office...it it NEVER good.

30 minutes later...

Dr G: Jessica, I don't know how to tell you this...(OH GOD I'M DYING. IT'S A RARE FORM OF FLESH EATING DISEASE RIGHT?) BUT...

THERE IS NOTHING, I MEAN NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.





SILENCE...




ME: WHAT??????? THAT'S NOT WHAT MY HUSBAND SAYS...

NO REALLY. WHAT? pin dropping...

I really don't know what to say, but everything in your body is completely normal. Your uterus is normal, your ovaries are normal and you have HUGE eggs coming from your right ovary.
(Enlist the 'I TOLD YOU SO's')


ME: WHAT?????????????????????????????

DR G: I don't know what to say right now. Two different doctors, many tests, and you are NORMAL. I'm just going to say this...I don't know what you are praying, but I will consider myself a "helper of God". Something happened and I don't know what, but it is highly unlikely that the original dx was wrong.

ME:WHAT?????????????????????????????

UH ARE YOU SERIOUS? Really?

Dr G: yep. as a heart attack.
Me: I don't have cancer?
Dr G: uh no who told you that? lololol
Me: WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

DR G: I still want you to take some medicines to increase your chances of conceiving, but you have a clean bill of health. And, your blood pressure was better than it has ever been!

So, I left like a zombie. The front office lady could have charged me a million dollars and I wouldn't have known it. I threw myself into looking this one up and this is what I found...
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us. Whatever we ask, we know that we have what we asked of Him” (1 John 5:14-15). God still performs miracles. God still heals people. My "unexplained infertility" is still a reality but it is not a finality. I needed to be less preoccupied with my physical condition in this world and a lot more concerned with my spiritual condition. Revelation 21:4 describes the true healing we should all be longing for: “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! WHAT???????????????????

Maybe, just maybe this has been my lesson throughout this excruciating time. I am so consumed with what is wrong with me and "my plan" for my life, that I never stopped to consider what His plan might be. Little by little He is proving His faithfulness in abundance. I can look at this now and think, I needed a change of pace. I needed to forgot the old reasons I had for wanting a baby, and re-evaluate them. Deuteronomy 8:2
says "And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not". He has tested my heart and my intentions and by golly I think I might be passing this time! =) My whole outlook has changed. My whole attitude has changed. My whole LIFE HAS CHANGED! And contrary to what Steven may tell you...I AM NORMAL! (I'm preaching way better than ya'll are amen-in)!!

Dr G: I don't know what to say.
Me: How about HALLELUJAH FOR STARTERS!
Dr G: well HALLELUJAH then!

FINAL Pictures, Images and Photos

He is enjoying my baby for now...but it's my turn SOON and I intend on spoiling him rotten! Starting with these =). I couldn't resist!







XOXO

Monday, August 15, 2011

Rockstar taste on a RN's salary!

So I decided that the best way to deal with my infertility, was to decorate. While Steven did NOT find my idea all that appealing, he has been a doll in coming around! In the process of this I was laying in bed one night and it hit me...BURLAP! That's what I need, burlap! (and a pink tool set), but mostly burlap! So seeing the imminent need, I jumped straight up and ordered 6 yards. It wasn't enough, but it got the Martha Stewart moved in me so here's what I did!

What you will need
1.Burlap
DSC_0154

2.Stitch Witchery
DSC_0145
3.Scissors and tape measure (preferably a zebra print one, but I guess a regualar one will do).
DSC_0144
4.A ruler or straight edge (I used a piece of molding that I already had, I'm thrifty like that)
5.A husband/boyfriend/baby daddy (notice the look of "oh crap you want me to help with what? that look is also optional)
DSC_0148
6.The ipad is optional but very helpful! I watch tutorials constantly.
7.Two fluffy help mates! (also optional and some of your husbands will double as a fluffy help mate ahahahaha cracking myself up).
DSC_0150DSC_0151DSC_0149


So I measured my windows and "winged" a lot of this. Because the burlap "grows" when you stretch it, and because these are not supposed to look store bought, I used approximate eye balling. Mostly because I'm lazy and I hate to waste time on things like measuring.
Anyhoo, I cut the burlap into strips and went to ironing. I hate ironing but it was necessary. Stitch witch the tops of the burlap about 1" around.
DSC_0156DSC_0157
Then I measured the bottoms, which I chose to leave frayed because I liked the way it looked! Again, you will have some room to play so err on the side of caution and cut them too long rather than too short.
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I stitch witched them all the way around and clipped them on at the top with clips I bought at Hobby Lobby for 6.99!
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I pinched them and pinned them overnight so that they wouldn't look so stiff!
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I didn't quite get enough fabric so this is only 4 of the 7 I have to make, but you get the idea! What do you think?
I used an awesome tutorial that I found at lifetothet.com/385/burlap-curtains. Life to the t is awesome! Shout out to T for the help!

Of course I couldn't stand to just leave them, so I played around with making the tie backs. This is what I came up with!
Too much? How about give me your input on these bad boys please and thank you.
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As for the horrible mirrors in my entrance...Steven and I have been trying to decide for a long time what to do with them. So naturally, painting on them was my first choice. He went out of town on business...so when he came home...I had done a little bit of crafting! I used stencils and spray on glass etching. I almost died due to the fumes but other than that it was fairly easy.
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And...I have been collecting plates for a little while now, in hopes of doing a little something like THIS...

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Nevermind the dude on tv at the photo shoot I was having! I think they look adorable. I bought tons of plates at the thrift store, and target. I painted the one in the middle (duh?) for the focal point!
It's coming together!!! I have a coffee table, rugs and pictures to sell so let me know if you are interested!

XOXO

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Have you ever called God a liar? I have!

BOOM!!!!!
That was the lightening striking me...just kiddin. I went to Bible study last night and my dad said the same thing he has been saying for awhile now, that I just actually caught. The subject matter was not even about me calling God a liar, but I regret to inform you that I have called Him a liar...more than once...this week! Yup. SO NOT KIDDING! You might be surprised, but God has made you many promises. But they’re promises that you have to claim in order to receive. Yes, God has in fact made hundreds of promises in His Word to those who profess to be Christians. The great news is that God keeps His word. ALWAYS. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE TIME (stole that from dad).Throughout the Bible, without exception, God keeps each and every promise ever made. That should give us great confidence to exercise our faith in God’s promises and lead a life of new blessings and for me A BABY! Have you ever felt like God had abandoned you? I have felt that so frequently in the past year that it sometimes scares me. Maybe you feel like that today… I know the feeling well.
However, we need to remember that God always keeps His promises. He will never forsake you nor leave you, as we are told in Deuteronomy 31:6 - That says never, not sometimes or maybe he won't, or if you stop cursing He will...it says NEVER!

It also says...The first commandment given to man was to have children. “And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth.” (Genesis 1:28) Psalm 127:4-5 says, “As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man, so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them.”

So I'll answer the question for you. If you are constantly wondering how you are gonna make it, or if you have enough money or...(in my best whining voice) "when is it my turn? why doesn't my body work? what's wrong with me? Well, there you have it. You are calling God a liar every time you doubt Him. I wonder how well it would go over for my dad to come to me and say "Jessica, you will never go hungry (and well we all know Chic-fil-a would go under first =)), and I will keep a roof over your head. I love you and I will take care of you". And my response was "well dad, thats great and all but I don't believe you and your a liar". UMMMM, awkward. Probably not going to be a good night in the Floyd/Elliott houses. It's absolutely INSULTING to Him that we don't have any more faith than that!!!!! So...
in the infertility blogging world there is such a thing as the dreaded "two-week wait". It is absolutely excruciating. That is the two weeks we women build anticipation and hope, just to have it dashed with one trip to the potty. I cannot explain how inadequate and helpless this trip is every single month. Having to tell your husband every time that this is NOT the month...again reiterates how NOT normal I am. Sobbing on the toilet has become more of a norm than an exception in the past year. This is a lonely, battle of self hatred for most women and explains to me why marriages don't survive this. All that being said, yes I am sad...once a month and sometimes more often. And I cry. Passing baby isles in Target, watching mothers wheeled out of the hospital, sweet baby in tow, and glowing fathers pushing. Sometimes I beg. All I want is a little plus sign!!!! PUUUUUUUUULEASE. In the end, I have to remind myself that His promise is yes and AMEN! So now for the finale...
I can finally say (still with tears but I can get it out now) IF I NEVER HAVE A BABY, IT WILL NOT CHANGE MY BELIEF IN A VERY LIVING GOD, ONE BIT!!!!!!! A baby will not complete me, and a baby will not solve my issues...
But I'm willing to give it a shot! (YOU HEAR ME GOD? IT'S ME AGAIN...JESSICA...THE ONE BEGGING FOR TWINS!)!!!
Keep me in your prayers, or maybe I'll keep you all in mine!

XOXOXO

Monday, August 8, 2011

Jaimes Paint brushes

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Jaimes Paint brushes, a set on Flickr.