Monday, October 31, 2011

Month 16...cradle is still empty...

Wow! Long time-no see! As most of you probably know, my dear grandmother had a stoke last week. I got my "friend" more commonly known to me now as an explicit 5 letter word...I was so busy with her that I hardly had time to notice. She is doing much better, but a nurses job never ends! My family has been camping out in Florence for a bedside vigil, prohibiting me from catching up. (not to mention work, and school!) Anyhoo...I'll get on with this.

I am currently taking clomid for month three. I was instructed to call the doctor with a positive pregnancy test, or after my third cycle. The thought of calling her is nauseating right now. I feel like a freight train with no gas left. I started this thing in typical Jessica fashion...bull in a china shop style (cuz that's how I roll). After 16 months, I'm exhausted. I know that at the end of this month, my options are again set before me. And again I am forced to deal with the reality of this. Do I take more meds? Injectable hormones (just what I freakin need)? IUI? Where will I get 5,000 dollars to finance this little dream? If it doesn't work, we are out 5 grand. Stay with my doctor whom I trust and adore, or move on to reproductive endocrinologist? How will my puppy daddy face "making our little bundle" in a gyno bathroom? The questions are endless. I'm pretty sure my husband is on hiatus from fertility talk! He doesn't know the answers either. I feel sorry for him. It has become apparent to me over time, that my sense of pain over not becoming a mother Is clearly far greater rooted than his. Don't get me wrong, he wants children as badly as I do, we just deal with the disappointment differently. He internalizes everything, and I blast it on the world wide web! Still the barrier it creates between us, is yet another hurdle in and of itself.
But God...God indeed is the creator of life and the God of comfort and peace.
I looked up the meaning of barren and according to good ol Webster it is translated: lacking Interest or charm. Omg, charm is all I have left! If it weren't for charm, I wouldn't even have a husband! I don't want to be lifeless, or uninteresting or without charm!! Somebody has to pass this "spirited" personality of mine on! Duh?
 I believe that it is a personal heart condition. What is the intent behind the medications?  "If you can't get pregnant on your own . . . " What? Like what are we now the Creator? I know most people wouldn't say that, but think about what our mindset presupposes. The audacity of us to think that we can make a baby all by ourselves. It doesn't even matter if Steven and I were using contraception the whole time to try to keep from getting pregnant, if God wants to use your womb to create a new life, no contraception will stop Him. I'm sure you've heard of "Oops Babies." That is an insult to God. He didn't say "oh crap! when He made them any more than if the parents weren't using conception.--God decides, we don't, because He is God and we are not! God creates, we don't. Because He is great at it, and clearly I am not! That's because my womb is under His sovereign control. Always. I have suffered far too long under the illusion that ANYTHING I can do to my womb is beyond His control. If He wants Steven and I to create a new life then he can and...He will. Sometimes I think if He hasn't yet, it's because the machinery He made is malfunctioning and He needs to outsource the manufacturing process? Doubtful! He knows how to make it work--He's the designer, after all. So what gives? The problem is not with Him, its with me! God does not need my permission to procreate, and then, when I "decide" we're ready, I'm upset because He doesn't comply when i tell Him He's supposed to do it now! The reason I think this way is because I (and many others) have the misconception that we are the ones that make the babies. We're not. Not ever. He creates, not us. He decides, not us. But you know what? Who am I (or any doctor or medication) to think that any of this can seize God's sovereignty over my womb out of His hands? He hears my prayers. He heard the first million of them and He will listen to the next million. I'm sure He is sick of my moaning!  This is probably not how the godly women in the Bible "dealt" with infertility. They prayed. They humbly petitioned Him. Because they realized it's a matter of God opening and closing the womb. Not a matter of us fixing His malfunctioning leftovers, it's about truly believing that he wants to do it!

God can do anything, you know-far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. (Ephesians 3:20 MSG)

I said all of that to say...I have no idea where I'm going from here. That decision will come when I am forced...and I in turn force my husband to decide!  And we will let God decide that. I'll do what I am comfortable with. In the meantime... all I want to give thanks for is my awesome family, my wonderful husband, my patient and caring friends and all of our health! I am focusing on the life that I have, and the things that I appreciate, but take for granted. (like my angel grandma!)

But for Christmas I want vomiting, bloating, dizziness, crankiness, mood swings and cravings!
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