Sunday, November 24, 2013

"It's going to be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

Hola amigos! Espero que esto te encuentre todo bien. Just thought I would give this some good ole Spanish flare seeing as I'm in El Florida now! lol. Hope everyone is doing well. So much to catch up on and so little attention span. Steven and I are doing well in our new town and atmosphere. Surprisingly, I'm still waiting on the ball to drop. I normally have "heart attacks" (as I have called them since the tender age of 5 or 6) when I am forced to leave my mother and my surroundings. These "heart attacks" consist of but are not limited to: major anxiety, crying and screaming (dramatically I might add), and holding on to her leg begging her not to make me go/stay. All in good fun, except I really have done this...several times. This time has been rather different. Steven and I both came to Florida October 15th (our birthdays) and Steven stayed until the 18th to help me get the major stuff done. He then left and went back home to work out his last two weeks at CHD and I stayed here. I made haste to find the basics...Ikea, Marshalls, TJ Maxx, Ross, Target, and most importantly Home Depot and Lowe's! I thought I would lose my mind being homesick those two weeks but thank God, I didn't and still haven't! I did have one night when I couldn't sleep and started crying. Steven asked me what in the world was wrong to which I could only sob "I WANT MY MAMMAAAAAAAAAA". Clearly he knew that was useless but I recovered quickly and called her the next morning! =) I spent the better part of two weeks unpacking, shopping, unpacking, shopping and walking my curious pup pups. Gus mostly peed on everything in a 4 mile radius and Gracie hid under my bed for about a day and a half until she felt more comfortable. Gus actually learned to climb the stairs and come down them alone! OMG GO GUSSY! I suspect he knew how all along and just wanted me to carry him, imagine that!

Anyway I'm rambling just thought I would catch you up on the small stuff before getting to the next news......

Wednesday of last week we saw the #7 doctor in the nation for fertility. Funny enough I have been referred by a good friend when she found out we were moving here. I was expecting to have to wait at least a month (the typical wait time for an apt) when to my amazement she offered me an apt in one week! Just par for the course. Make plans to move in 6 months, gone in 2! I have no idea why this surprises me anymore. At any rate we saw him and went over our history and got his professional opinion on this HOT fertility mess we got here. The long and short of the appointment was this...

We have one last chance at IVF using my eggs and Stevens little swimmers. The average IVF works in 1.4 times. Clearly you can't have one and a half IVF's so 1-2 is average. If you don't get pregnant in those two times, statistically it's not likely to happen after that either. I have had one chance already, so this will be our last ditch effort! The problem is both of us, but my problem is lack of eggs/good viable eggs. THERE I SAID IT! The doctor has recommended that he change a few things from the last IVF cycle and try them. I will undergo IVF in January. If that one is not successful then...

He has strongly suggested that we use doner eggs, or adopt. That is the point where my DNA will be elimanated from the equation all the way around. I might can still carry the baby and it would at least be half Steven's but not biologically mine. It's a very hard thing to wrap my mind around. His eyes, his feet, his personality. NOTHING from me. 

So there you have it. One last chance...

I'm truly to the point now that I don't care much. Either way I just want to know so my life can move on. Don't misunderstand, of course I want a baby or I wouldn't go through this charade again.  I only say that I don't care because my attitude is so different from what it was this time last go round. Last time it was my last ditch effort. Last time I was desperate. Last time I depended on it. It was my last hope. This time, not so much. I hope with everything that God will grant me this one wish. I hope that it's the "right time" I have waited so long for. But I am so completely confident in where we are right now that if it is not, it won't kill me. I call it faith, but lets get real, there's probably some small amt of callousness built up there too. After this long, you don't look forward to much and negative results NEVER surprise you. All I can say is I feel so much more confidant now. Not in the results and not much in this doctor. If anything our circumstances have gotten nothing but worse over the past year. That has nothing to do with my confidence. I can finally say that if this isn't it, my life will go on. I still believe, I still have faith, I still know I will have a baby someday, somehow. If that isn't now then guess what? There is something else behind door number 3 for me to experience and enjoy! Who would have ever thought I would be right here, right now???? I probably wouldn't, had I had a child already. Moral of the story is...wait for it...wait for it...

Psalm 5:3 says “Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.” Waiting with expectancy means instead of worrying if God is going to answer a prayer, you’re thanking God for working behind the scenes. Whatever He has for me, I'll accept that. Baby or no baby. I will be disappointed, but I'll accept it and it won't kill me!
He got dat right!

We start undergoing a battery of blood work this week and then I go through 3-6 more procedures for them to get to know my uterus, ovaries and vagina backwards and forwards! My junk is on an east coast tour right now. I should start selling tickets. =o
 In the meantime I'm starting work tomorrow as a pedicatic emergency room nurse and decorating my house for Christmas! Meanwhile its a low today of 70. Its hot up in this piece!

If all else fails...DECORATE!
My life goal has become to serve. In whatever capacity that comes in, I'm all ears. God send me!!!  

Cheers mates! Here's to yet another pelvic exam! YEAHHHHHH!

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