"I might have to wait. I'll never give up. I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life." ~ Michael Buble
Infertility causes such a myriad of strange emotions for me. No sh** right? This subsequently causes my husband to be crazy! I wanted to update and let all of my "friends" know what was going on. After two long years, we are headed to Charleston to South Eastern Fertility Clinic. This has been no easy decision. Steven and I have fought, prayed and finally decided that having a consult won't hurt a thing. The basic logistics of IVF are that the cycles must be completed by my 38 birthday, using my own eggs. I'm concluding that the eggs are too old and worn out after that, and would skew their statistics if used! So that leaves me almost 35 now, with 3 years to complete a family should we chose this route. WOW! NO pressure. I'm hoping maybe I can pop 2 out at once and be done with this noise! (yeah, I'm a sucker for punishment)! In the meantime, I am still dealing with the emotion ridden details of this journey. Let me elaborate.
Some may describe me as this way (not gonna mention any names but they live with me and they aren't white and fluffy =0) obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren’t very admirable traits; no wonder peoples understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed, and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.
I am confused as to why this has been my fight. I always assumed that I was as fertile as my mother who got pregnant passing my dad in the hall way. And funny enough, I used to tell my mother that I thought Jana was given especially to me, because I was afraid of this outcome. She was definitely a good learning experience and if she is the foretelling of what my children will end up like, I'm a happy camper. (Although she is spoiled rotten, would you expect any less for the little Elliott?) Maybe somewhere in my subconscious I knew this was in my future.
I feel rushed because I am 34! OMG! I haven't had that "OH CRAP" moment with my age yet, where I cry and freak out because i am OFFICIALLY OLD! That being said, I am starting to feel my age. I go to bed earlier, I wake much earlier! I chose slow, nights in with my husband, a radical change from the many years of being a social butterfly and never slowing down. My joints ache and my face has wrinkles. I am beginning to feel a time crunch knowing the statistics on pregnancy late in life. I am scared that I will be pushing a walker, and a stroller at the same time! And then comes the unthinkable...
Lord knows this doesn't need much explanation. I HATE WAITING. I am horribly impatient. I want what I want, YESTERDAY. WOW! Little lesson learned.
I feel isolated , afraid and alone. You cannot appreciate these feelings, unless you have been here. I know that is cliche but it is so true. Being infertile makes me feel, well, useless. I know logically that that isn't true, but in my heart I am lacking. I cannot give my husband the thing he wants most. I cannot provide my parents and siblings a niece or nephew and a beloved grand baby. I can't keep up with my never ending list of friends that are procreating like I change panties. Life is moving on by me at such a rapid pace. And here I sit. Feelings of inadequacy are bad enough, but feeling isolated is the worst attribute to fertility issues. If you have known me for a millisecond, then you have surmised that I DON'T DO, isolation. Not this kind. It's kind of like trying to explain how cancer hurts. Nobody can truly understand your hurt, unless they are going through it. It's pain of a different kind. So many emotions that go far beyond "I just can't have a baby". Your marriage suffers, your friendships suffer (which doesn't seem to be much of a problem for me since I am going to 4 showers and throwing two more, plus 2 b day parties just this month).
I feel angry, but only sometimes. Misguided anger. Not angry at others for having babies, and not angry at going to showers. More angry that this is happening. Very angry at my husband, for not always anticipating the right answer. Angry sometimes that this is not him. I feel alone and isolated, even though I have personal friends that are dealing with infertility right beside me. The "we" in marriage is a moot point when it feels like "me" having to deal with this. I feel sorry for myself sometimes, and sorry that my precious friends are STILL having to listen to me "think this out".
I am jealous, but in a good way, if that's possible. I am so happy that they are providing me babies at the speed of light, to cuddle and play with and return home!
Mostly I feel unsettled. I have a new home (which I love) and I mistakenly thought that working on it and decorating it would provide some entertainment and keep my mind off of this little issue. But once I got in, the feeling that something was missing was so stiffing I couldn't ignore it. There is something missing! It seems so unfilled and lonesome! There is an extra room that I can't even walk by without thinking "this is a nursery"! I have yet to even hang a photo in there because the nagging thought is that I don't want to undo it for a baby! I can't bring myself to make it anything else...including a craft room! Presumptuous? Maybe. Hopeful. Yes. Just when I think I have lost my "care" or "want", I walk by that room and remember how much alive my "want and care" really are!
All that being said, I don't know if IVF will be the answer. I haven't given up hope that God will supply me with a baby, or 2! Maybe this is my helicopter or my boat. I don't know, but it's worth investigating. I pray that walking into that clinic will give me hope, or satisfy my need to "help" God. I will either have a good feeling, a "AH HA" moment, or a nagging "get out of here fast". Either way, I will keep you updated as things arise...well maybe that's a bad choice of words (LOL crack myself up), as things move forward in our little journey!
Maybe I should consider this bed, to help things along? What do you think?
In the meantime, keep us in your prayers. I know we have worn God out over the past two years, but it keeps us in close contact!