Tuesday, October 16, 2012

You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. ~Douglas MacArthur

Well,  I am 35 and fabulous! I wanted to update you all on our progress in this "journey" that kind of resembles hell a lot of the time! I was started on birth control pills two weeks ago. The purpose is to regulate my cycle, to a tee! We don't want any early ovulation so they time this in order to get my body to participate. After many years off of any birth control, one would think that this wouldn't be such a big deal, BUT...I'm going crazy! I was never able to tolerate bc pills because of the side effects, and this time is no different. I have been hungry but can't eat, nauseous, anxious and hormonal as I can possibly be. I totally feel, well...pregnant. So my schedule looks something like this...

Yeah, I kinda want to shoot myself! I have to consult this because I have no idea where I am supposed to be or when, and on what meds. I finish the bc in another week and we move on to the big dogs.  I just realized  what a big commitment we have made. IVF is making significant demands on my time, energy and emotions. This seems like a small price to pay, and I'm sure it will be but it much harder than I ever thought it would be. During this time, I'm making trips to back and forth to the fertility clinic, taking pills, receiving injections, and being monitored for possible problems as well as signs that the treatment is working. And emotions are running very high. This pretty much sums us up right now.

As a result of taking responsibility for the emotional impact of the infertility, the woman experiences intense feelings, such as pain, anger, fear, etc., which, combined with the messages that her way of dealing with things is in some way dysfunctional or "crazy", causes her to feel an anxious depression. As feelings spill out, she feels out of control and doesn't really know how to ask for what she needs, especially from the husband she is struggling so hard to protect. She may yearn for an emotional connection/interaction at one moment and in the next withdraw emotionally from her husband when she fears she has disappointed him.

Men find themselves in a position where, regardless of how well they've been trained to solve problems, they are helpless to make this situation better for the woman and, as a result, may give off messages that she is "too" emotional or sensitive, hoping that this will calm her down. The wife hears this as criticism of her coping and care taking skills rather than as an expression of her husband's fears. 

We have no idea how to relate to one another. There isn't much he can say to make me feel better and quell the anxiety, and I'm done trying to talk about it. 
This sums me up!
So thirty-five is hard. Not because I feel old (but for the record I do feel my age creeping up on me), but lets face it...I make a pretty fabulous middle ager. LOL. Really because I my expectations have been blown to hell and back. Thirty five holds so many implications in the fertility world that one can't help but feel like your getting set up on the firing line, execution style. I am trying to keep encouraging myself so In my ventures to do so, I'll share them with you. I still don't understand why we have to go through this, I probably never will. But I do have hope!

Trust, it's not something that is easily done. Sometimes it means letting go of what you believe, what you feel is rational, and putting it in Gods control. It means letting things leave your control, and having hope that God comes through.

Of course, there are easier times to have trust. It seems a lot easier to trust God after winning a million dollars, or getting a new job, or having something good happen to you... but it seems so much harder to trust Him when things aren't going right.

Sometimes we find ourselves acting like Sarah. We know that God has promised to take care of us, but looking at the situation we almost doubt that He is able. Like Sarah, when we hear that good news is coming, we find ourselves sarcastically laughing. (Genesis 18:12-14)

I've always wondered what Sarah thought of that laugh after she knew she was pregnant. I've always wondered how foolish she felt, for doubting God. I sometimes feel what Sarah must have felt!

Because no matter how chaotic things appear to be, or how much we are struggling, God is right there with us. And while we may not always be able to depend on our jobs, or our banks, or even our government, we can always depend on God. Because God not only keeps His word, just as He did with Sarah and Abraham, but nothing can stop God from keeping His word. (Job 42:2)

Today, what struggles do you face? What challenges are in your life? And most importantly, where are you putting your hope? (Romans 5:2-5) My situation is difficult and very public! Most people are not as open about their problems as I have been. But the truth remains the same. The only constant in any bad situation is God. He is the only thing I have. The only comfort and the only way. 

Be encouraged today. No matter what life throws at you, He does care and He is listening. I know that he has good plans for the Elliott's! I have no idea what they are, and that's the hard part. All that I can say is I'm still "ALL IN"! 

I will update as new developments arise. If you see me on the news or on J Ruben Longs website, just ignore me! Just sayin.

1 comment:

Lala said...

So glad I got to see you guys this weekend. Still thinking of you and enjoy reading your blog. I am glad you have not lost your sense of humor. Love to you both!