Saturday, September 1, 2012

The greater the struggle, the greater the REWARD!

                     “Miracles are what happens when you get out of the way of yourself.”
                                                                 ― Brad Szollose

Ahoy mates. Back again, and this time with the FINAL diagnosis...NOT my final destiny, but my final diagnosis. Steven and I went today back to get our final results from the fertility clinic.  Dr Singleton had told us on our previous visit that she thought we were good candidates for two more rounds of IUI and that she thought we could be successful with that.  We had one more issue creep up in the meantime. Steven's sperm count was 11 million last week, where it had previously been normal. They like to see it at 20 million for those of you that don't keep count! She wanted to repeat the sample (much to his dismay...=)) today and give us the results at this consultation. Well...she dropped a bomb on us! Needless to say, his counts dropped to 5 million today, and I don't have but 3 follicles (which carry the egg) instead of a normal 10-12. So basically we are a HOT FERTILITY MESS! Us old fossils don't have any eggs or sperm to speak of. Last time I checked, those were kinda necessities. So that knocked us out of any chance of a 1900 dollar baby, and moved us to a 15,000 dollar baby. I swear, I can find a way to be expensive at all costs! I think we both sat there in a complete daze. Looking at each other, and back at her like "uhhhh okay, can we just write a check"? Clearly we don't have 15 grand laying around, so that's problematic. But that is not my real "problem". My struggle is that Mary didn't even need sex to conceive! WOW! How nice would that be? lol.
I should start by saying that I whole heartedly believe that I am going to have a baby, or 3! I know that I have a promise that I am clinging to. This without a doubt is the hardest thing I will ever face. This has been the most excruciating two years of my life, but I have to believe that it is not in vein. The greater the struggle, the greater the reward! RIGHT? 

Psalm 84:11, TLB. "For Jehovah God is our Light and our Protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will He withhold from those who walk along his paths."

Jeremiah 30:17, NIV. "But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds."

God promised Abraham and Sarah a child, but she did not bear a son, Isaac, until age 90 (Genesis 11:30).

Isaac, Rebekah’s husband, prayed fervently, and God answered, resulting in the births of Jacob and Esau (Genesis 25:21).

Rachel prayed, and at long last God “opened her womb.” She bore two sons, Joseph and Benjamin (Genesis 30:1; 35:18).

Manoah's wife, who was infertile for a time, gave birth to Samson (Judges 13:2).

Elizabeth in her old age gave birth to John the Baptist, the forerunner of Christ (Luke 1:7, 36).

The barrenness of Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel (the mothers of the Israelite nation) is significant in that their ability to finally bear children was a sign of the grace and favor of God. I know that I have favor with God. He is not with holding any good thing from me. He wants me to have a righteous child. I believe that. 

The "problem" is, how? Well really, it's His problem, and I want to help. I kinda like having some say so. I'm pretty sure last time I checked, He probably doesn't need my help. He didn't consult me on my opinion of the parting of the red sea. We never discussed the ten commandments, and what do ya know, He didn't call me about the ark either. He managed somehow to get by. 
The eternal conflict in my mind is that I want this to happen in my time. I want it to be now because dangit, I'm nice and people like me. Unfortunately, that ain't how he rolls.

  “Each moment of worry, anxiety or stress represents lack of faith in miracles, for they never cease.”
T.F. Hodge, From Within I Rise: Spiritual Triumph Over Death and Conscious Encounters with "The Divine Presence"

I'm sure that to a lot of you, it seems that I am crazy. That there is a clear cut answer to this, so why do i have to make it complicated, right? This is an internal conflict that you can only explain if you have a true relationship with God. I cannot explain my "faith". It truly is the essence of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. Sometimes, I think I'm crazy. I have to keep going, I cannot give this up now. I have fought too hard and believed too much to throw it all to the wayside this far into the game. 
So where does this leave us? I have NO idea. It leaves me sitting in my place of rest. (granted I'm sitting because I am strapped down, hog tied, bound and gagged, but I'm sitting none the less). I fight this once an hour every day of my life for the last two years. There is not one second that this leaves my mind. There is not one baby that I encounter and wonder "what is this like"? What will my baby look like? What will it act like? Why do I deserve this? What can I do? What if it never happens? On and on and on. It's exhausting. I'm tired of thinking about it and wondering. I have not lost faith in God. I have moments of anger and protest and sometimes I feel closer to Him for that reason. But I CANNOT give this up now. The only thing I have is faith. Call me crazy but I believe that this struggle is going to reap GREAT REWARD!

Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.
To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.

So please pray for Steven and I. I don't know what the right answer for us is. It's really not up to me. I am going to wait until I know that I know that I know what He wants for us and whatever that is, is truly what I want more than anything (even a baby =))! 
Oh and I'm making Steven dress up as Abraham and I'll be Sarah this Halloween! ahahaha. Just because I crack myself up! 

I hope your weeks all go well. I am going to relax (yeah right) and enjoy my weekend off!
Until we meet again...

Peace! Love and Gamecocks!


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