Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I guess God needed one more month with my angel!

 Well this week has been...let's just say "extremely estrogen- filled"! I don't know that I have ever in my life been more mad, sad, anxious, tired, wired, happy, excited, mad, mad, mad...did I mention mad, EVER! I took the Clomid days 3 thru 7 as instructed, and sat back while I got impregnated! Well obviously that didn't work out for me. As informed as I love to be about everything, taking fertility medications is not at the top of my list of "knows", at least it wasn't until now! While my doctor did an excellent job of giving me risks, benefits, side-effects blah, blah, blah, she failed to inform me that Clomid not only mimics pregnancy 100%, but also that it can/may prolong your cycle! So four days late, and about to seriously  hatch something, I found out the hard way! I was disappointed, but after months of negatives, one begins to get numb to the feeling after a while.  Shockingly I was so mad I could have spit fire, but not at God. I was mad at Steven. Okay, okay before anybody gets bent out of shape~ let me explain! I prayed to God many times before we found out "what the trouble was", that if either of us had an issue that He would let it be me! Boy was I delusional! I NEVER wanted him to have to feel the rejection and heartache of knowing that you can't give your spouse the one thing they want most in the world. I felt better equipped to deal with these issues and subsequently asked God to just let the "problem" be with me.  I have sense wondered why the heck He chose to listen to me that one Ambien-filled delusional night? REALLY DUDE? I take it back!
So back to the story, I found myself so mad that I was boiling with rage toward Steven. The kind of mad like I drug up every bad thing he has ever done (yes, all two  of them) and replayed them until I would have ripped his throat out with my pinky fingernail if he had been home. Sounds pretty sadistic hu? At the end of the weekend, and after having a lot of alone time to think (NEVER A GOOD IDEA FOR ME), I came to realize just how resentful I am of him. I want more than anything to give this to him. I want him to have to wear the scarlet letter for a while. See when I went on my "girls weekend, my sorted mistress came with me! I had to deal with it there. He left for his guys weekend, and I was left alone, fat, hormonal, bloated, weepy, exhausted, broken, anxious and again, the bane of my existence reared her ugly head. See, no matter what I do, I don't get to escape this. And no matter what I do, he gets reprieve. And that is enough to make a grown woman CRAZY WITH A CAPITAL CR. I realize that, that is not fair. I know there is nothing in the world that he can do. I also know that if he could take this he would. But he can't. So as usual...that leaves me. AND God.

Sometimes that is a volatile combo.

I was at work today and happened upon an ultrasound being read. I approached the screen and took a gander. Clearly not an ultrastonographer (since I thought i was looking at a gallbladder) I inquired about what was on the screen. The pa informed me that it was a 4 week old baby! It seriously looked like an ant! Nothing but a yolk sac and an ant. Having no idea what was happening, you can imagine my surprise at the tsunami of emotions that welled up inside my heart. That may possibly have been the SWEETEST thing I have ever laid my eyes on! I sat there and looked at it like It was a 22 oz Coke on a hot summer day! Almost salivating. I thought to myself...self? How can a person be so in love with an ant? It has no face or eyes. No ears or nose. No personality or feelings. Yet I watched it in utter amazement, like it solved world hunger! I thought, how much can you love something, you don't even know. Yet every single fiber of my being jumped at the thought of how it would feel! The most amazing love and commitment that I will ever know!

And then it hit me. I have to walk this out. Me. Now don't get me wrong. I am taking absolutely no credit away from my angelic husband. He has to put up with the train wreck that is Jessica these days. That in and of itself is heroic. I give him all the credit in the world for being supportive, and of course just plain SEXY! But again, he will never understand how it really feels to walk this out, for me. I have to carry the majority of this burden...


I get to reap the reward of that sweet ant that poses as a leech for 9 months, sucking the sustenance and life out of me! I get to encounter the sweet bond that is, falling in love with something so tiny and seemingly insignificant. I get to feel that overwhelming love that ONLY a mother gets to have for her child. I get to grow, aid, and abed this little life for 9 whole months, all to myself! And while of course Steven will be smitten, he will never get to be mommy!

My sweet ant will never have to do a thing to earn my love. I love it already, and I haven't even conceived it yet. I am smitten with just the idea of it! Just the same, no one has to earn God's love.  No one has to jump through hoops to earn His acceptance.  No one has to crawl on his hands and knees to compensate for past sins.  No one has to do such things because God already loves us.  He has shown His love for us by the sacrifice of His son. It is beyond me how the very thing that I am working so hard to get, he willingly handed to us. No questions asked. WOW! How much must He love and care for his children? This whole concept is so far beyond my earthly comprehension, and yet I get it! And I moan constantly and threaten to remind my little ant daily what I went through to get them here! I have no idea what true sacrifice really is, and neither do you! Thank God for His amazing love, and never ending grace. I may have needed an extension on never-ending this week! 

So for now, I can have normal coitus...purely for fun! That doesn't happen much around these parts lately. No pressure. Just fun. For 3 whole days. Then I start this whole dreadful process again. At least I know what to expect this go'round. I can't say that I have behaved with a demur, ladylike attitude. I have to confess...I cussed a lot this past week. Mostly in my mind, but God reminds me frequently "UM, I CAN STILL HEAR THAT JESSICA"! I have to request forgiveness from my sweet husband and any innocent old person that was driving slow in the left lane...again.  Like the old song goes "I will survive"! I have to go on, pregnant with a promise! 

I'm going to have an ant one day and guess what? It's going to be a "FIRE ANT"!  I know just what they will wear home!

No but thanks for asking!

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