Sunday, September 11, 2011

I'm pretty sure God isn't Bipolar.

I have heard a lot of things about God over my 26 years here on earth (okay almost 3 flippin 4 years), however I have not heard that God was bipolar yet. Well, I think He isn't anyway. I have one sister that is praying that I will not get pregnant until December, so she will be home for the arrival for our sweet bundle of joy. I have another sister that is praying I'll get knocked up NOW, before she leaves for her trip. I have parents that are praying that I will just get knocked up. I'm praying that I will get knocked up before the surprise 50th b day party somebody better be planning me. My friends are praying that I get knocked up soon so I will stop driving them insane. My grandparents are praying that I'll get knocked up with twins. And...Steven is praying it will take two more years because it guarantees him LOTS of timed coitus! lol. (just kidding). I assured him as soon as I get sperminated, that will be out the window!
So my question is, God cannot possibly make us all happy, without being bipolar, right?  So if it goes that He answers one of our prayers above the others, then how does he decide. And does He always answer our prayers? This is what i came up with...

Of course God answers prayers, we all grant that He does answer prayer -- some prayers, and sometimes. But does He always answer true prayer. Some so-called prayers He does not answer, because He does not hear them. When His people were rebellious, He said, "When ye make many prayers, I will not hear" (Isa. 1:15). I know what you are thinking, Jessica Rebellious? It's hard to believe but it does happen occasionally.  I believe that if you are a Christian, then you should expect an answer. Now, that being may not, and often times will not like the answer you get. Usually, I don't! ." When I claim that no true prayer goes unanswered I am not claiming that God always gives just what we ask for. Clearly that is not the case or I would have a tribe of kids right now!  Think of it like this. Would you let your child play in the street, just because he wanted to? Even though you know that, that street is a major highway and the child will most likely get run over, do you let them do it anyway? UH I HOPE NOT (even though my dad told us repeatedly growing up to go play in the street lolol). I think the same thing is applicable with God. As much as He wants us to like Him, and He wants to play "good cop", He is smarter and wiser than we are and more importantly, He knows our futures. If God let us all have our ways, then we would have absolutely NO need for Him. What would be the point?
God's answer to prayer may be "Yes," or it may be "No." It may be "Wait," for it may be that He plans a much larger blessing than we imagined, and one which involves other lives as well as our own. I would rather Him call me to Africa, than to ask me to have patience. OH GOD NO. I hate waiting. I hate resting. I hate well...not being in control. eeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Yes I said it. I cannot stand feeling out of control. WWOOOOOWWW. I have one nerve left, and God is riding the daylights out of it right now. He is literally bull-whipping me into a place of REST. Because He hates me? Uh, no. I'm His favorite, duh? Because He loves me and he knows what is best for me and my twins (girl and a boy please big guy, oh and an immediate hysterectomy also. sign me up.)
God's answer is sometimes "Wait." He may delay the answer because we are not yet fit to receive the gift we crave -- as with wrestling Jacob. Do you remember the famous prayer of Augustine -- "O God, make me pure, but not now"? Are not our prayers sometimes like that? Are we always really willing to "drink the cup" -- to pay the price of answered prayer? Sometimes He delays so that greater glory may be brought to Himself. Ouch, that is me I'm beferrin to!

God's delays do not necessarily mean they are denials. We do not know why He sometimes delays the answer and at other times answers "before we call" (Isa. 65:24). Rest assured that He is not sitting up there on a big thrown thinking "hum, How can I annoy Jessica today? let me see. hum. I could clang the cereal bowl like Steven does and I knooooooow how much that annoys her, or lets see I could, oh i don't know, make her infertile. YEA, that's it. Ill make her suffer. Now come on people. This dude has way bigger things to worry about. He is not sitting around plotting how to make me miserable. He doesn't need to do that, Satan does a fine job. 
I frequently ask God, what about all these teenagers that get pregnant non-stop. Why are they fit for this and I am not. The answer I finally got was (very loud booming voice) You cannot judge their circumstance by YOUR standard. But what you can do is deal with me on your life, and against MY standard and I GOT THIS.  Uh. okay. Since you put it like that... (rolling my eyes)...
So the moral of this story? God is not bipolar. He does not wait with an infertility gun to shoot people that annoy him. Believe me, I would be numero uno on that list! He is simply trying to get my attention. All that HE wants is relationship. With me, with you, with every human being. The bible says that if we won't worship, He will cause the rocks to cry out. It's really that simple! This was His ORIGINAL INTENT (Floyd, 2011) LOL.

That being said, this is the every day struggle of being baby-less...

 I watch my husband playing with my friend's babies and wish I could give him one of his own.

Sometimes I want to avoid people that I haven't seen for a long time because I don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?".

Feeling very left out when my friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.

Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for me. (lol or just 17 of my nearest and dearest =))

Getting tired of people always saying  "you don't have any kids to worry about".

Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing I could hear a baby crying.

Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren, and your siblings a niece or nephew.

Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" Easy, right?



 I hope He hears my sweet prayers...

Dear sweet 8 lb 6 oz baby Jesus,

P-leaseeeee help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself, and I really do mean that! Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I want to give this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing. (even though I am rolling my eyes =)) Dude, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me enjoy the sweet babies You place in my path and always know that ...I CAN SEND THEIR BAD A**ES HOME! AHAHAHAHAHA


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