Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I'm having a party!!!!

Unfortunately I doubt you will want to come to my party. It's a pity party for one! I am happy to report that after 3 days of clomid, I am having minimal side effects! NO nausea, vomiting, diarrhea or dizziness that the doctor warned me about. HOWEVER...the emotions are unfreakinbelievable. I can explain it kinda like a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BAD PMS. I am happy as can be one minute, and within 20 seconds I am having very vivid thoughts of scraping someones eye balls out with my xacto knife. I cry at every single ASPCA commercial narrated by Jewel. The Toys R Us sign made me want to scream and I am having almost constant horrible hot flashes. That's what I get for making fun of my mother when she has a "flash" and ends up practically naked on the back porch in the dead middle of winter. I burn from the inside.
I am very thankful that I am only having the minor suicidal/homicidal thoughts and nothing else major (hahaha no big deal dude). Please do not approach me for any major news in the next few days, it will not be productive! I am feeling okay physically, but the part that I am having so much trouble with is that as long as I was "not doing anything proactive to get pregnant", then I didn't have to deal with the whole reality of being infertile. Taking meds to correct this is forcing me to have to deal with my fears and anxieties about it not working. If I take the meds, and I still don't get pregnant.....THEN WHAT? Now I have moved into a whole new realm of reality! I'm scared. I am writing this through sobbing, massive tears. Very rarely do I cry, and very rarely do I show my "softer side", but I cannot help myself this time. There probably won't be much humor to finish this one out. I am so scared of having to deal with the disappointment, heightened by having taken meds that are supposed to help, when I get my period this month. The intense feelings, the veritable barrage of emotions that you encounter— grief, embarrassment, uselessness, helplessness and like such a failure as a woman and wife when that one trip to the bathroom crushes you instantly. Constantly letting down your spouse is very hard to cope with every month. EVERY MONTH. EVERY SINGLE MONTH. I cannot remember a time at all, when I didn’t daydream about being a mother. It was, believe it or not, never a career or education(could have fooled me) that interested me, just babies! The very thought of that not happening is debilitating right now. I am going
to make it, because I am blessed, but I am allowed a bad day, or week, or month right? I'm pretty sure this is 30% Jessica speaking and 70% hormones, but never the less, this week SUCKS! I feel better now! 

Thanks for letting me vent! Tonight is my last night of Clomid, so I have four days free until "TIMED COITUS" (aka: baby makin time).  I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Monday, where she will again examine my eggs to see if they truly are mature and ready to hatch. Exciting, right? 
I'm holding on to this... In the general sense of the word, to have faith is to believe in something or someone, to fully trust, to be so confident that you base your actions on what you believe. To have faith is to be fully convinced of the truthfulness and reliability of that in which you believe. Faith in God then, is having the kind of trust and confidence in God and in Christ that leads you to commit your whole soul to Him as Saviour (Justifier, Inseminator hahaha, (had to add that in) Cleanser, Healer, Deliverer) and Lord.
The NIV translation says, "Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1 NIV).
 Every time I start to feel overwhelmed and scared I think of this story...and of course I cry...duh?
I know you have all read it before, but it bares repeating. I'm so glad he's carrying me right now! 

One night I had a dream
I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets
of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me
and the other to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only on set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This always bothered me
and I questioned the Lord
about my dilemma.
"Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome
times of my life there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You most,
you leave me."
He whispered,  "My precious, precious child,
I love you and will never leave you
never, ever during your times of trial and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints
It was then that I carried you."

Margaret Fishback Powers

Until then, say a prayer for me, and my coitus! (ahaha). I don't even know what that is, but that is the name she has given my sex life and it sounds kinky so I'm going with it! 

I look a little thin and tanned in this pic but it's def me!


jaimers said...

I'm scarred to comment after the last blog,lol, but i just wanted to remind you of that scenario with Beth Moore where she thought of her worst nightmare/fear and how she decided at that moment that if it did come true she would still love God, serve God, live a full/abundant/joyful life and life would most certainly go on. I do believe you will have your own baby and very soon, but if you never did...you would still have everything you would ever need in Jesus! And don't you even think i won't find us some babies to adopt over the next year! I may have a child before you!!! hahaha love you and will be praying hard core for your "coutis"...ewwwww, lol

Steven said...

I'm pretty sure it was my eyes you were trying to claw out. If i hadn't locked myself in the bathroom painting you might have done it ! I love you anyway and the bathroom looks great! P.S. thats totally you he's carrying , hot wifey!

Bron said...

Don't worry, years from now you will look back on this blog (on your floating I phone which also does dishes) and laugh! Because you will be chasing two ungrateful brats through kroger and remembering how bad you wanted them

Lindsey said...

o em gee!!!! I'm crying and laughing at the same time and i SWEAR only you can do that to me!!! LOL! I love you and i always thought of you as a mom and know how wonderful a mother your going to be. The other day i was thinking of your struggles and how awful they must seem right now but i also think of how strong this is all making you, your marriage, your faith.....not to mention how FREAKIN awesome your house is going to look! lol! I know theres not much comfort in that right now but one day you'll look back (and around you) and be thankful for this time you have to grow and well......do all this “coutis” your doing. LOL!!!!! That being said......please dont hurt my sweet Steven!!!! But yes, your allowed to have as many bad days as you want and need and we’ll all still LOVE you just the same. k!

Evelyn Rocha said...

i love your blog! and i love the way you talk about the Lord! very cute babies! God bless!!!