God: So hows that do it yourself thing working out for ya?
Me: (cutting my eyes upward and raising my attitude lip at Him), um not so well.
God: you wanna relax yet?
God: Hi Jessica. I'm God. I will be taking care of your problems today, and I DO NOT need your help! So relax and rest.
Me: REST? REALLY? REST? HAVE YOU BEEN INFERTILE LATELY? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE? I DON'T GET IT. I HAVE A 5 YEAR PLAN AND YOU ARE NOT PARTICIPATING VERY WELL. I SHOULD REMIND YOU THAT I AM 33 YEARS OLD DUDE. AT 35 I AM CONSIDERED HIGH RISK. THEN WHAT IF I'M PUSHING A STROLLER AND A WALKER? WHAT THEN? I DON'T WANT TO SET A WORLD RECORD FOR GERIATRIC OB PATIENT. SO CAN WE BARGIN OR SOMETHING? I'LL NEVER CUSS AGAIN. I'LL EVEN LET STEVEN BE "THE BOSS". REALLY GOD? REALLY?
I DON'T DO REST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UH OH. I'VE DONE IT NOW...WAITING ON THE JESSICA LYN...
Me: But God (whining) I don't like to rest. That is not entertaining. I want BIG, I want GRAND, I want a flippin BABY. I WANT, I WANT, I WANT....
and then it happened...
GOD: (very loud booming voice)...(not really but it sounds better)...
Well, contrary to what you think, I don't care what you want right now.
ME: WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT? WELL OBVIOUSLY (ANTOINE DODSON VOICE).
OMG I'M SULKING NOW.
Me: What do you mean you don't care? What about all that "He will grant you the desires of your heart" crap?
GOD: Wow! Do you really want the control that bad?
Me: uh yeah, kinda.
GOD: NOT gonna happen. You will have killed yourself and single handedly demolished several nations by the end of the week.
Me: I wouldn't be that bad.
God: (using my dad's message against me. double whammy. Both fathers are right, as usual)...You wanna know why you aren't God?
Me: YEAH, WHY?
GOD: BECAUSE I AM GOD, AND YOU ARE NOT! (HE PULLED THE OL BECAUSE I'M THE FATHER AND I SAID SO. REALLY? LOLOL)
GOD: Let me remind you of something (I know it's lengthy but it's so worth it)
1-6 If you listen obediently to the Voice of God, your God, and heartily obey all his commandments that I command you today, God, your God, will place you on high, high above all the nations of the world. All these blessings will come down on you and spread out beyond you because you have responded to the Voice of God, your God:
God's blessing inside the city,
God's blessing in the country;
God's blessing on your children,
the crops of your land,
the young of your livestock,
the calves of your herds,
the lambs of your flocks.
God's blessing on your basket and bread bowl;
God's blessing in your coming in,
God's blessing in your going out.
7 God will defeat your enemies who attack you. They'll come at you on one road and run away on seven roads.
8 God will order a blessing on your barns and workplaces; he'll bless you in the land that God, your God, is giving you.
9 God will form you as a people holy to him, just as he promised you, if you keep the commandments of God, your God, and live the way he has shown you.
10 All the peoples on Earth will see you living under the Name of God and hold you in respectful awe.
11-14 God will lavish you with good things: children from your womb, offspring from your animals, and crops from your land, the land that God promised your ancestors that he would give you. God will throw open the doors of his sky vaults and pour rain on your land on schedule and bless the work you take in hand. You will lend to many nations but you yourself won't have to take out a loan. God will make you the head, not the tail; you'll always be the top dog, never the bottom dog, as you obediently listen to and diligently keep the commands of God, your God, that I am commanding you today. Don't swerve an inch to the right or left from the words that I command you today by going off following and worshiping other gods.
Me: ALRIGHTY THEN. I got it. So what your saying is that I still get to be the TOP DOG?
Me: So why then. What is the point in all this infertility stuff? Could you throw this "TOP DOG" a bone? (crackin myself up. not sure that He was that thrilled, but I thought it was hilarious)
God: Exodus 9:16
But for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth.
Me: still quiet.
Me: Okay. I get it. You are trying to make an example out of me?
God: Yes, actually I am.
Me: Couldn't you have picked something else?
God: NO. This is the one thing you NEED me for. The one thing you could not fix, or mend, or manipulate (ug really? as if this beating wasn't bad enough he had to throw in the "m" word) by yourself.
Me: ur right.
God: Yes thank you for your affirmation. I usually am!
So I guess the conclusion is...Thank Heavens, HE is God, and I am NOT! I think He's got this!
The thing is...He is not just holding and comforting my baby, He's holding and comforting me too!
What an AWESOME FELLA!